Drabble Funk
by Letta
Summary: Drabble 33: Best Laid Plans. Hidan asks questions. He gets answers. He hates his job. Spoilers for current chapter 329. Addicted to crack? Need a quick fix? Supplying you with pure, sweet crack since 1889.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Drabble #1 (Aka 'Hawaiian Shirts')

Disclaimer: Obviously the mind that developed this is not the same that came up with the Naruto series.

Rating: PG, I guess.

A/N: I keep getting these weird ideas at work that I want to write out, but there's no way I could possibly fit the majority of them into a fanfic and get away with it. Especially since they usually involve near-impossible and highly out of character situations. They amuse me. Of course, this one didn't turn out quite likeI imagined it. It had the potential to be so much funnier. It's probably more heavily edited and redone than any fiction I've posted to date, sad since it's only two pages.

* * *

Naruto had received an invitation to an exclusive party approximately two weeks ago. He didn't actually know who had sent it or why they had bothered to invite him, but that wasn't important. He had never been invited to a party before.

So he was going.

The question was, what did someone wear to a party? Something festive, he was sure.

The trick was, not to show up wearing the same thing as someone else. Wear something someone else _would_ wear but hopefully not to the event, not something someone just wouldn't simply wear.

Simple enough.

It was as he was knocking on the door, that he found himself tugging on his shirt nervously. He wasn't exactly given permission to leave Konoha, mostly because he didn't ask, so he sort of, snuck out.

The other reason he was nervous was he wasn't sure if he had chosen the right thing to wear. Also, he would've brought something, but he decided to screw the idea of giving something to someone he didn't know. Plus he wasn't sure if he was dressed right. Black pants, festive shirt.

Although it did suit him. It was loud and attention-grabbing. Best of all, it was Hawaiian.

Orange Hawaiian. That is what made it sweet, and better than all that had come before.

The door opened in front of him, and not knowing what else to do, lamely handed the invitation to the man standing there, who smiled broadly and ushered him inside.

"Glad you could make it, the party's out back. Follow me."

Naruto found it strange that he still had no idea who the hell this was. Yet he was following him… through his house… to an invite-only party…

He hoped it wasn't a plot to kill him. Such things had tendencies to end badly.

He was led out two sliding glass doors into a fairly large backyard. There were people milling about everywhere.

"There's a buffet table over to the side there, a bar next to it, and we've got some karaoke towards the back… welcome to the party!" the man clapped his back jovially before waving to someone who called out to him and walking away. Unsure of what to do with himself, Naruto made his way towards the buffet table. He was grabbing some punch when he bumped into someone. Turning around, he started to say an apology when his eyes widened.

"Orochimaru?" Naruto asked, shocked. It was beginning to look like a plot to kill him. A nefarious plot, since most plots to kill him were quite nefarious.

The snake sannin's eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to reply when he was interrupted.

"Naruto-kun? Orochimaru?" the offender, having overheard familiar voices asked, managing to sound as if their presence wasn't anticipated, but somehow not astonishing.

"Itachi?" Naruto asked, wondering if he should make a break for it.

"We're wearing the same shirts," Itachi noted, the corner of his mouth twitching downward slightly.

"I'm so embarrassed," Orochimaru muttered, although it was doubtful he wanted either of them to hear. They did anyway.

"Damn it! I screwed up my first damn party!" Naruto cursed, wondering if he should just give up and leave. Upon further reflection, he realized that a better reason to leave would be because he was surrounded by two enemies, who combined, were significantly stronger than him, let alone apart. Also, this was still probably a nefarious plot to kill him, against a celebratory backdrop. Unfortunately or no, he wasn't a quitter.

"Um… why are you two wearing orange Hawaiian shirts anyway?" Naruto felt it unnecessary to point out that the two really didn't seem the type.

"This is a party and they're festive," Itachi answered, tonelessly. He wasn't the festive type.

Orochimaru glared at Naruto and his orange shirt. The snake sannin would've stalked away, but he didn't know anyone else there. "Go to hell."

* * *

This entire drabble was based off the idea if Itachi, Orochimaru, and Naruto all inexplicably ending up at the same party, and to their dismay, find they're all wearing the same Hawaiian shirt. Picture Orochimaru in a Hawaiian shirt and tell me it doesn't make you smile. It was also based off the idea of Orochimaru in said shirt telling Naruto to "Go to hell." That's it, the whole motivation behind this drabble. That, and lately I'm going nowhere with the other fics I've been writing, so why not try something new? I expect to write another one of these, I have another idea involving Orochimaru and Naruto interaction which is funnier, but I forgot half of it. I plan on writing it anyway. Don't expect timely updates, or really updates, because I don't know how many of these I'll write. I think I might turn this one into a comic, if I ever get around to it. I'll let you know if I do.

Letta


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Sand Castles

Disclaimer: It's not a crack anime or manga, so I'm guessing not.

A/N: I don't know what the hell this is. I just wrote it. It's ooc, I know that, but the whole situation is ooc. It's random, I've noticed that seems to becoming a trend for me.

* * *

Gaara stood back to admire his work. It was beautiful. He really should have been an architect. Seriously, there was no one who could build better sand castles than him. Allowing the slightest of smirks onto his face, he allowed the sand drawbridge to lower itself, allowing him to walk across.

He hadn't bothered to put a door on the front of the castle, because it had a moat. As most people knew, moats were such a cool defense. He wished he actually had water in the moat, that would probably make it better.

The inside of the castle opened up to a grand hall, which was scaled down to about the size of his bedroom back in the village, because he hadn't quite made the whole construction life-sized. In fact, there was pretty much just a big hall.

He wished he had a castle. Really, he was Kazekage, he should get a freaking castle if he wanted one, but no… It wasn't in Sand's budget. It wasn't practical or necessary they had said. It still would've been cool.

Concentrating, he created a table and four chairs, allowing three of the chairs to become occupied with sand people. They, at least, were life-size.

A twitch of his brow and a tea set formed, condensing and hardening until it was like actual ceramic.

He took the empty chair.

"Oh, Kazekage, you're so great. I wish I could be like you," Gaara said out of the corner of his mouth for the sandman to his left. He named him Sasuke.

"Shut up."

"Gaara, you're so strong and awesome. We should be best friends, because you totally rock," the one to his right 'said'. He was named Naruto.

"Okay."

"Oh, Gaara-kun. You're so hot, I want your body," the one across from him 'spoke', while giving him a smoldering gaze. Managing a smoldering gaze with a medium of sand is not an easy thing.

"I know, I am hot," he replied tonelessly, he face expressing nothing as he replied to the one he had named Anko. He had only met her at the chuunin exams in Konoha, and by met, he meant when she introduced herself before she oversaw the second test.

He probably would have forgotten about her, but Kankuro had developed a crush and talked about her for a couple weeks afterwards. Kankuro had also recently borrowed one of his shirts and had yet to return it. Out of spite, he created the Anko sandman… woman.

A cough sounded from the doorway and immediately the table and sandmen lost their shapes as they fell back to the ground.

Gaara turned his head.

"Kazekage-sama, you have a council meeting in fifteen minutes."

"I see…" After a brief pause, "You didn't see anything did you?"

"You mean your tea party with various shinobi you met in Konoha? No, I didn't see that." The man even kept his shinobi bearing throughout. Impressive.

"Good. Then I won't have to kill you." Not that he would, not anymore, but he could make life unpleasant for the man regardless.

* * *

I don't know what the motivation for this one was. This idea also struck me at work. I hope I don't have to quit my job over this. 


	3. Chapter 3

First off, to MysteryLady-Tx, I'm glad you caught that, because I forgot to mention it when I went to upload. Last chapter was in part, an homage to Spaceballs. Rick Moranis is a comic genius, after all, he also gave us Strange Brew, Ghostbusters, and Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

Title: Drabble #3: Crushed Ambitions

Disclaimer: See previous installments.

Rating: PG-13, because I swore. Oh, and there's some derogatory terms.

* * *

Orochimaru sighed as he looked at the calendar. Time passed so slowly when you were anticipating something good. Namely, when Sasuke turned sixteen and he would begin the process to take over his body. Then he could finally do the things he wanted. 

"What are you planning to do with my body?" Sasuke asked, out of uncustomary curiosity, unknowingly asking about the topic on Orochimaru's mind. Orochimaru jumped, he hadn't even heard the little shit sneak up on him! Upon further reflection, he was doing a terrible job of being a sannin if snot-nosed teenagers could sneak up on him and visibly make him jump. It wasn't like Sasuke was Itachi, who would be an exception to other snot-nosed teenagers. No, unfortunately, Sasuke was a watered-down version of his older brother and really didn't compare.

Yet.

It was after a moment or two of silence while Orochimaru was comparing the brothers that he remembered Sasuke had asked him a question. Turning around, he gazed at the boy, who was accompanied by Kabuto, a few feet behind him.

"I'm going to score some hot chicks."

Sasuke looked funny when his eyes bugged out of his head. While it was an amusing sight, he would have to remember to avoid doing that once he had control of the boy's body.

Kabuto merely just raised an eyebrow.

"You're going to _what_?"

"I'm going to get with some happening ladies."

"But… but… you'll get diseases!" He hadn't really expected that response, and it almost made him laugh.

"I have Kabuto. He's a very skilled medic." At this, the medic-nin nodded. Problem solved.

"You'll get my body all sticky." Orochimaru was beginning to suspect that Sasuke had a fear of sex.

"Then I'll wash it. Besides it's nothing you don't do yourself at night."

The boy sputtered.

"What about leading Sound? What about defeating Itachi? I thought you wanted my body for strength and immortality and revenge and… well I don't really know what else, but to get _women_!"

"Yes, those are all a part of it, but it's also to get me some hos. In fact, it's mainly the hos."

"Lord Orochimaru does like the hos, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto said, gently.

"Why pay for it anymore when I'll be able to get it for free?" Orochimaru asked, rhetorically, aware that he was admitting to contributing to the world of prostitution.

Sasuke appeared scandalized. The boy looked from one Sound-nin to the other before turning on his heel and walking away, disgust and horror warring on his face.

It was later that night that the boy decided he needed to escape from Sound, he'd find another way to defeat Itachi, even if, technically, Orochimaru would probably be helping him resurrect the Uchiha clan.

* * *

A/N: So this one, in my opinion, probably has the highest ooc content. I like it, though. As for whose ambitions are more crushed at the end, that's anyone's guess. This was probably inspired by me going back and reading some old chapters in the manga and Orochimaru keeps saying that he's going to get a better looking body aka Sasuke. It doesn't seem like looks are terribly vital to a ninja career, but whatever. Really, though, if Sasuke stayed with Orochimaru, he might just complete his two life goals, killing Itachi, and knocking up some chick to get his clan going again. Maybe he should try in vitro fertilization. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I don't even think this one is really that funny. It's just pretty much what happened to me today at work and made me decide it's time to quit.

Title: Drabble #4

* * *

Uchiha Itachi stared at the packet of papers in his hand. He had a few choice words to describe his thoughts on it, and judging by the looks and grumbles coming from his fellow Akatsuki, they felt the same way. He, on some level, had been aware of the dress code, in that you were supposed to wear the issued cloak and the uniform underneath. Occasionally you wore the neat hats to block the sun. It seemed that there had actually been an official dress and appearance at one point that everyone must have ignored beyond the aformentioned items.

However, fifteen double-sided sheets of printed paper suggested that someone thought it was funny to piss them off. In this case, it was the leader of Akatsuki.

It seemed failure to comply could result in termination, if the attached sheet for them to sign that they had read and agreed with the new rules was anything to go by.

Reading over the paragraph on hairstyles again caused the Uchiha to unconciously tug at his long hair. According to the new rules and regulations, he'd have to cut it short... and if family genes had their way, he'd look exactly like Sasuke, only cooler. However, looking like Sasuke was decidedly, uncool. Sasuke was lame, and weak. Deidara let out a half choked sob as he clutched at his tied-back hair. He was sniffling. Pathetic. His hair sucked anyway.

Itachi couldn't understand the need for these rules. The one about no longer being able to wear fingernail polish if working with food didn't even apply to anyone within the organization. Granted, they had hired professional caterers for a time before it was decided that was too expensive...

They weren't allowed to wear denim... no hanging earrings... must be clean-shaven unless they already had a beard. What if someone wanted to grow a beard? Itachi briefly wondered if he should try growing a beard again. Last time, he had been too young, and it looked ridiculous. Although, no one in his family had ever been able to pull off the bearded look anyway.

Looking on, he realized it wasn't _only_ dress and appearance. For instance, vacation days could not be used as sick days. That would be rather inconvenient if he had a doctor or dentist appointment. He flipped through to the back page where it said to send questions.

Apparently they had a human resources director… hmm.

"Kisame," Itachi began, glaring at the papers in his hand.

"Yeah?" the former Mist nin growled, apparently upset about the section on weapons, if the page he was currently turned to was any indication.

"I think it's time I handed in my resignation."

* * *

A/N: I told my boss I was going to update my resume when I got home. He laughed, because he already found another job for himself, the SOB.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Today's my birthday! This is one of my favorite drabbles that I've been meaning to get out since November. Although I only finished it like a week ago.

Title: The _Talk_

Disclaimer: Well, in the previous parts, I didn't own it, so I probably don't own it now, either.

Rating: PG-13, for sensitive material, so you sensitive people, if you are sensitive to sensitive material, perhaps a fic with less sensitive content but more sensitivity would be right for you.

* * *

Naruto looked at the other end of the bridge. Orochimaru and Kabuto stood there, looking quite smug and proud of themselves. Beside him, his teammates crouched in formation. He just had one question before the battle began.

"Orochimaru," he called out, ignoring the curious looks he was thrown by his team, "I just have one thing I want to ask you."

The snake sannin raised a brow, looking mildly surprised, but not very curious. He apparently decided to humor the blonde anyway.

"And that would be…?"

"How do you know when you're ready for sex?"

Orochimaru's, along with everyone else's for that matter, expression was priceless. Clearly he hadn't been expecting that. More likely the man had been expecting a question about Sasuke.

"Wh-why? Actually, why are you asking _me_ this? Wouldn't Jiraiya be a… _better_ source of information?"

"No."

The sheer amount of conviction in the boy's voice confused Orochimaru to no end.

"Why not?"

"He's not here."

Orochimaru didn't even know how to respond to that. Logically, it worked, however, it seemed as if it were a question that could wait until Jiraiya _was_ around.

Sakura's face was twisted into a very bizarre look that really couldn't even be identified. The other two looked kind of shocked and confused.

"Besides, you have a _lot_ of experience." How the hell the blonde had come to that conclusion was beyond anyone present.

"I… uh…"

"You seem like you've been around. So spill."

"What… what are you…?"

"I mean, how do you make sure the experience is as pleasurable for her as it is for you? My goal is to be a courteous and giving lover. How do I do that?"

"Are you on crack?" Kabuto asked, mildly alarmed.

"I just want to know when the right time to please my lady is."

Orochimaru shifted uncomfortably. It wasn't often he was struck completely speechless.

"Is it seventeen? Is that the age?"

As far as the snake sannin was concerned, he didn't really think there was a set age. He looked helplessly at Kabuto, who just shrugged, not knowing what the hell was going on, either.

No one did.

"When you're seducing a fine woman, do you play it cool, or do you let her know how into her you are?" Naruto asked, looking imploringly at Orochimaru.

Beside the blonde, Sakura made a weird noise that sounded like a cross between a choke and a cough. If anyone cared to pay any attention, they might notice that her shoulders were under the attack of slight tremors and she was fighting to keep her lips from twitching in any visible direction.

"Why do you need to know, it's not like you'll ever get laid anyway," Orochimaru countered, meaning it to come out like a threat that he was going to kill Naruto first, but instead sounding like a taunt from an adolescent boy.

Sakura suddenly felt the need to stir the pot. After all, she had to back up her teammate.

"Naruto and I are going to get our freak on right after this," Sakura replied, looking and sounding as sincere as she possibly could, while marveling at herself for being able to keep from bursting out into laughter.

There was a sort of dumbfounded silence after that.

"So, you see, we'd really appreciate your insight to make this an enjoyable and memorable occasion," Naruto finally said.

"I don't want to be involved."

"Is it normal for it to hurt when you pee four to six days afterwards?"

Kabuto nearly choked.

"I'm asking this because you seem like you've had some experience with STD's."

Naruto may have been the only one there who actually knew what exactly he was implying –either about himself or the snake sannin. It was highly likely that not even he was sure.

This continued for hours before Orochimaru was so unsettled that capturing him was like wrestling a weakened kitten. Kabuto had refused to go near the revamped Team 7 on the grounds that he thought they had contracted some terrible disease that affected the mind. He never returned to Sound. Years later, he would be seen singing Karaoke in Hidden Mist with a very drunk Jiraiya, who would eventually explain how to confuse your enemies by asking them uncomfortable personal questions.

* * *

A/N: So this is really a little longer than a drabble. In fact, I think most if not all, of these are. Techinically, I think the term is ficlet. I should mention that none of these drabbles are necessarily connected to any others, nor are they necessarily in the same universe. I love crack-Naruto. He's probably my favorite crackitized character ever. I don't know why I keep writing about Orochimaru being engaged in conversations like this, it just makes me smile. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I think this is actually my first true drabble in this series. Really, it should be called 'Ficlet Funk'.

I thought it'd be funny if Sasuke received a letter like this.

Title: Dear Sasuke

* * *

_Dear Sasuke:_

_You should know that we have different fathers. Our mother had you as a result of her infidelity. The reason why you still have the sharingan is because your father is Uncle Keitaro, father's younger brother. This is the reason why father never referred to you as a son of his, as he did me -not because you were weak by his standards, even if you were (are). Our mother disgraced the clan. Normally, because of something like this she would have to die. Father was weak and wouldn't do it. Instead they killed Uncle Keitaro and called it good. I would have killed them for that reason, but I didn't care. I thought you might._

_Your (Brother?) (Cousin?) Family Member,_

_Uchiha Itachi_

* * *

A/N: First, thank you for the birthday wishes. 

Second, I got second place in the 2005 Naruto Fanfiction Awards for best PWP/Yaoi for my fic"Keys to Leadership"-rock on, me! I was beat by one vote to Asuka Kureru- she's very talented (one of my favorite authors). Next year, I'm shooting for first- I just have to bother to write something.

Which brings me to another point- the whole reason for these 'drabbles' is because I'm currently working on two other fics (no intention of having them go on to any fanfic awards) that I haven't decided whether or not they will ever see the light of day. They're slightly less than crack. Actually, one is kind of (not really) dramatic. The other one is... well, bizarre... but not quite crack. My biggest hold-ups are action scenes... and having an actual plot- a lot of my fics lack that. A few more drabbles from now, I'm probably going to ask if anyone is interested in looking at an outline for them and offering any suggestions or critiques. Which would mean I'd have to actually figure out where I'n going with them and create an outline. I'm done wasting time now.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Drabble #7

Rating: PG

A/N: This is all based on the assumption that Naruto ever becomes Hokage.

* * *

Naruto entered his office, saw his desk, and immediately pivoted around to head right out. Unfortunately, his ANBU guards were barring his way.

Sighing, he turned back and trudged towards his desk. It didn't make sense to him how his paperwork could triple overnight. Didn't most people go home to sleep? Who the hell was the over-achieving bastard that stuck around? He made a note to look into it so he could fire him.

Scowling at the work in front of him, he chewed his lip. A moment later, he sent one of the guards to fetch Shikamaru.

When the lazy nin arrived, he didn't look happy. Oddly, this lifted Naruto's spirits slightly. Misery loves company.

"What'd you want?" Shikamaru asked.

"I need an assistant, so you're it. Congratulations."

"Is this a promotion?"

"Sure."

"Do I get a pay increase?"

"Probably not."

At this point, Shikamaru would have left, but he would have had to make it past the current Hokage and two of his ANBU guards, not to mention anyone else in the building who might try to impede his escape.

An hour later and the two hadn't actually started on the paperwork. Naruto started to explain Shikamaru's new responsibilities, but decided that learning would be easier with a full stomach, so he ordered them breakfast.

When he finished, Naruto pushed away his dishes, and looked at Shikamaru, who had also finished his.

"Where was I?"

"You were explaining the filing."

"Oh. That stuff's boring, puts me to sleep."

"So does a full stomach," Shikamaru commented, yawning, "we should take a nap to refresh us."

"Good idea," Naruto grinned. Shikamaru always had good ideas.

Two hours later they actually started working on some of the forms. Naruto furrowed his brow as he stared at the first paper he had actually looked at that day.

"This doesn't make any sense! It's like trying to do brain surgery when you're a fruit cart owner!"

Shikamaru, who was on his third form, looked over at what Naruto was working on. It was confusing- one field depended on another and had to be added to a third, a fourth field required information that was far from pertinent and nothing to do with the other three, etc.

"You should have someone rewrite these forms and make them less confusing. You have to think harder otherwise."

"It's like trying to play shogi."

"If you play shogi more, your mind will become used to critical thinking and it should help you with your work," Shikamaru commented. Naruto knew a bait when he heard one… most of the time.

"I think there's a shogi board in the closet over there," Naruto mentioned, even if he didn't particularly care for the game, there were worse things. Namely, work.

They had to take some time out for lunch, of course. Then, there was another nap.

Naruto then realized he hadn't finished training Shikamaru in, even though the genius could probably figure everything out himself since most of it was self-explanatory and he was, of course, a genius.

After that, Naruto looked around his office and noticed the piles of paper and scrolls everywhere.

"It would be a good idea to have other people trained in on all this paperwork, you know, in case we were both sick or something."

"Like interns? Then you could delegate all this to them and just manage them," Shikamaru said.

"I should put people in charge of the interns for a more hands-on level. Then I could just manage the managers."

"Competent people take less time to deal with," Shikamaru noted.

The rest of the day was spent recruiting interns, which involved making a list and sending the ANBU guards to round them up. Before leaving the office, Naruto mentioned that tomorrow would probably have to be spent assigning someone to do their intern interviews (forcing gullible people into the job), and finding competent managers (selecting them in the same manner as the interns and forcing them to look after people they probably didn't want to look after). By his reasoning, Naruto judged that it should take them about a week to oversee the entire process, which they'd probably have to just spend in the office not doing much (taking naps) so they could be available for consultation on the new project.

Shikamaru told him it would be better to use next week too, just in case there were any unforeseen complications.

Also, the third week should be spent having someone else rewrite those forms.

* * *

A/N: So this one's been sitting in my computer for about three weeks now. It can almost be a prelude to my 'Keys' fics, only minus any "adult behavior". 


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Toad Summons

Rating: PG-13 or those of a slightly more mature mindset (yeah, right -immaturity and humor share a bed)

* * *

Naruto looked at the warted toad he had summoned. It looked bored. 

"Is there a reason why I'm here?"

"I wanted someone to talk to," the blonde answered. He had been training in the wilderness for a few weeks, and was starting to get lonely.

He never knew toads could glare like that.

"I'm outta' here."

"Wait!" Naruto called, grabbing the toad. It squirmed in his grasp. It nearly slipped out of his grasp, but he instinctively pulled it back to his face.

The toad gave him a dirty look before sticking its tongue out at him.

Naruto retaliated in kind, shocked when his tongue actually came into contact with the toad.

Almost instantly, a head rush hit him like a ton of bricks as the colors and lights of the woods exploded. He felt dizzy and it looked as if the world was coming apart at the seams, but the pieces refusing to scatter.

"This… is… intense!"

The toad was looking at him, and as he looked back at the toad, seeing it, and about four or five images of it hovering around its face.

The toad left, saying something about being right back. Naruto waited for hours.

"I'm back," the toad suddenly said, its voice slamming into Naruto's brain. Several super-imposed toad images looked mildly concerned.

"Where'd you go, you were gone for centuries."

"I was gone five minutes."

"Whoa."

About half an hour later when the effects wore off completely –though it seemed more like a lifetime, Naruto stared wide-eyed at the toad, who had decided to stick around anyway.

"Wha- what happened!"

"I'm a Colorado River Toad and I secrete poison. It creates powerful psychedelic effects," it explained, as if to an idiot.

Naruto's mouth formed an 'O' of understanding. He wondered if that was why his perception of time had warped so badly.

"Usually people smoke it to burn off the toxic part."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Wait. People smoke toad venom… for the side effects?"

-

Naruto looked at the toad on the pane of glass, and rubbed his gloved fingers behind its eyes.

"Here?"

There was a sigh. He didn't know toads could sigh. "Yes."

A while later found Naruto scraping the crystallized remnants off with the edge of a kunai, as the toad oversaw the process. "So then I put this in a pipe…"

"…and smoke it," the toad confirmed.

-

"So, that's why I didn't really get too much training done," Naruto explained why he wasn't as strong as was expected of him. It had been questioned by his former teammate as he faced off against Sasuke in the middle of an attempt to forcefully take him from Sound and bring him back to Konoha.

Sasuke looked at him as if he had suddenly changed into a frilly pink dress and asked him to dance.

There was a prolonged pause.

"Naruto… summon that toad again."

* * *

A/N: I actually had to do some research on toad licking for this one, since I knew virtually nothing. I can't imagine Orochimaru would have much more use for Sasuke after this. 

Don't tell me a curious boy like Naruto would be able to resist trying this if he had heard of it and was bored enough. This drabble was inspired by the question I came up with at work: "What if Naruto licked a toad summon?" I think the idea itself may be funnier than the entire drabble.

Also, I am mostly done with a plotline for a fic, so coming up, I'll probably be begging for help –although I recently had an idea for a crack/romance fic that probably won't be more than fifteen pages that I'm sure I'll write first.


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Performance Review

Rating: PG

* * *

Itachi sat down in the sole empty chair within the room. It was spotlighted, while the rest of the room remained dark. He didn't even bother to wonder when they had the spotlight installed, by now very used to the results of their leader's dreamed up whims.

He did, however, find it a bit much for a performance review.

"When I call your name, state that you are present," a voice came from somewhere in front of the Uchiha. The sharingan wielder fought the urge to roll his eyes –it would be a display of the annoyance he was feeling, and probably not the best action to take at the moment.

"Uchiha Itachi."

The former Konoha shinobi hesitated. There were only two people in the room, he knew for a fact, and one of those people included him.

"Present." Sometimes he really just wanted to go on another killing spree.

He felt the roll call completely unnecessary.

"This is your performance review."

He knew what it was, he was told what it was a week ago, and was reminded three times since, including earlier that morning. Not to mention the fact that he was summoned and escorted to the room, with the instructions to go inside for his performance review.

"Considering all that you have accomplished in the past year, your mission success and failure ratio, timeliness and orderliness of the tasks assigned to you, job knowledge, and efficiency, you are given a 12."

That number meant surprisingly little to him.

"Out of what?"

"Seventy-five," the leader responded.

When Itachi didn't respond, the leader of the Akatsuki went on, "You went after the kyuubi bearer seven, eight times, correct?"

There was no reply.

"Yes, and only once did you actually make any sort of contact. In fact, out of twenty three missions this past year, only four were successful. One of these which involved a three week old kitten being returned to a small child. It wasa D-rank, but even that was considered high. That mission took you two months, and the village where it occurred is half a days walk from here."

Itachi blinked, for the first time since entering the room, in fact. It had more to do with his eyes drying our than any response to what was just said.

"Your second successful mission involved the unnecessary destruction of a town, which ironically ended up killing the client who was there on vacation –not to mention that particular town had absolutely nothing to do with your mission and you managed to do this before we got paid. The third was training in a new recruit, who has so far proven to be the most inept member of our organization. The fourth mission was a complete success, no complaints."

That must have been where he had gotten all his points.

"You massacred your entire clan –one of the strongest in all the shinobi villages, but you can't even capture a young teenage boy who can't properly control the demon sealed inside him."

"He had one of the sannin, Jiraiya with him," Itachi stated.

"You're stronger than Orochimaru, to whom Jiraiya is roughly equal to. At the very least, you could have fought Jiraiya while Kisame kidnapped that Uzumaki brat."

That was because they hadn't tried.

"What did Kisame get on his review?"

"Seventy-two."

"How?"

"The only points he lost were in capturing Uzumaki Naruto, but considering you were his partner, he didn't lose very many."

"If this is the case, why am I still within the Akatsuki organization?"

"Deidara got a nine, and he's our fourth highest score."

As Itachi got up from his chair, not bothering to ask if he was dismissed, he was struck by the thought that it was rather odd that the Akatsuki was considered such a threat among the shinobi villages.

It wasn't as if anyone ever really did anything, anyway.

* * *

A/N: I just couldn't figure out why Itachi and Kisame (Itachi who is supposively stronger than Orochimaru, and Kisame who has a high amount of chakra by Akatsuki standards) never succeeded in catching Naruto.

I have the worst case of writer's block right now. I actually wrote this about two weeks ago, I just never posted it. I haven't been able to write _anything_ since. Usually, I just switch to another fic, but that hasn't been too successful with any of the four I've been working on. Yes, four. I think it's mostly because I had some major assignments due and a test that was rather critical to the future of my career. I passed, by the way. Cha-ching. Anyway, I think I may take a brief hiatus, which apparently began two weeks ago, and maybe draw stuff (actually I've already done that) so if I get around to posting anything I draw, it'll be on deviantart, the link being in my profile. I'll let you know. That way, the one drawing I posted on there over a year ago won't be so lonely.


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Tender Moments

Rating: PG

A/N: I don't know how well the title fits, but I think it's funny.

* * *

Sakura picked up her pack from the camp and headed towards the river. She fingered her hair nervously, hoping no one noticed anything.

She left her clothes at the edge of the natural hot spring while she bathed, pack included. She had tied her hair up.

The kunoichi, having relaxed for long enough, decided to get down to business. Reaching inside her pack, she felt around for a box. When she found it, she smiled sadly, and pulled it out.

Sakura stared dumbly at the box in her hand.

Then she screamed.

Someone knew!

Hastily, she dumped out the pack to see if there was anything else. A couple volumes of the Icha Icha series among other things, tumbled out.

"Oh, wait… this isn't my pack."

Kakashi suddenly appeared, about to ask if she was okay, when his eye zeroed in on the box in her hand.

"I grabbed the wrong pack. I… I use 34 Rosy Hue. My color's starting to fade… and I…I…"

Kakashi's eye softened, "It's okay."

"I dye my hair because I'm gray."

Kakashi looked at the box again.

"I dye mine because I'm pink."

* * *

A/N: I don't know what to make of this. Inspired by those questions of whether Sakura's hair color was natural. Honestly, though, if these two dyed their hair, you'd think they pick more convincing colors. Kakashi was in his mid-twenties when the manga started, and we see he had a full head of gray at 14, so… what am I supposed to believe? He obviously dyes his hair.

It turns out, writer's block can be cured by me getting fired up. Some time ago, I drew a narusasu pic and placed it on deviantart. The other day, someone posted the comment, "you suck". My first reaction? To draw more narusasu themed art. I have done this, but I have yet to post. I also have started writing some. My second reaction is to reply with, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO? WAS IT JOHN? SARAH? _FRED_? ARE YOU STALKING ME?" We'll see if there is a reply.

If you don't like yaoi, that's fine -don't read it, don't look at it, but how do you know that I suck? Usually I meet the person first, then I decide that they suck. My method of dealing with this might be unorthodox, but it gives me joy. That, and he has now given me free reign to mess with him.

If you want to go look for yourselves, my deviantart link is in my profile. I haven't bothered to delete his comment, so we can all watch as the drama unfolds.


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Breaking into Houses

Rating: PG

* * *

Naruto was sleeping peacefully when he was suddenly jolted awake. Someone was standing next to his bed.

Keeping his eyes closed and his breathing the same, he surreptitiously grabbed a kunai from a hole in his mattress and faster than you can blink, leapt up to press it against the intruder's neck.

That was the plan. Instead, his wrist was caught and he was staring wide-eyed at Kakashi.

"Good morning!"

Naruto squinted in the dark. "What time is it?"

"Three a.m."

"Why are you here?"

"I was practicing. You've gotten better by the way. See you in a few hours!" Kakashi said before pushing Naruto back slightly and disappearing. Naruto didn't think he'd be able to get back to sleep.

* * *

Two weeks later, Naruto was sitting in his kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal and trying to decide if he had enough milk to get him through tomorrow. Without a change in expression, he grabbed the kitchen knife on the counter and flung it towards his left.

He didn't even blink when Kakashi suddenly caught it, whereas he had previously been alone.

"I see you've been working on your aim. Do you have about a cup of sugar? I'm out."

Naruto looked over at his sensei, and saw that he was holding an empty measuring cup and his kitchen knife.

"Yeah, there's some in that cupboard," Naruto pointed with his foot. Taking it as an invitation, Kakashi walked over to the cupboard, opened it up, and took a cup of sugar.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

* * *

A few days later, Naruto was coming out of his shower when he noticed that he could hear his tv on. Walking out to the living room, he saw Kakashi sprawled on his couch eating some microwave popcorn, and watching sitcoms.

He decided not to comment.

It would have been about a week since, when Naruto found Kakashi shaving in his bathroom.

Then Kakashi was making sandwiches in the kitchen.

Then he was stitching an extra mask on his bed.

Eventually, Naruto had to ask. It was when he walked in from training to find Kakashi had laid out a large sheet of plastic on his living room floor (or rather the area of his apartment he had put the couch and dubbed the living room), set up an easel, and was painting.

He even had an artist's palette with little dabs of oil paint and an impressive array of brushes. The painting itself -not so impressive.

"Okay, so why do you keep breaking into my house?"

"It's something I just sort of randomly do."

"Break into people's houses?" Naruto asked feeling a little scandalized.

"Yeah, but lately, just yours."

"Why?"

"Training, fun, whichever."

"You've been doing this for awhile, then?"

"A few years, I'd say."

Naruto decided it would be best to end the conversation at that point. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"Have fun with that," Kakashi replied absently, absorbed in his painting, despite his mediocre skills.

Naruto thought that maybe he should use the sharingan to copy someone decent.

* * *

A/N: For some reason, I can see Kakashi doing something like this. It might just be me, but I think he's slightly insane.


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Scars

Rating: PG-13 (because I used the term 'retard' in a derogatory sense, and I also used _the_ 'F' word.)

A/N: _Dedicated to the memory of my tooth._ Since apparently it decided to up and die in my damn mouth and hurt like a blah blah blah and the blah blah blah dentist's secretary wouldn't get me in on an emergency and blah blah blah need root canal. I hurt.

For BlackMageRose13, for the chants of more Itachi (even though this was technically written before that).I do love all my reviewers in forbidden ways, if only I knew what exactly those ways were. HarvestMoonRacoon: I will try Rock Lee, I consider it a challenge. Be on the lookout.

* * *

Itachi once decided it would be a good idea to growhis hair out so that it was glorious. 

His relatives affectionately teased him that he looked like a girl. Especially with his long girl lashes. Eventually, even the other children at the academy would tease him, and after he had graduated at a young age, the other shinobi.

"Itachi you're so pretty –I bet you'd look even prettier in a dress," his aunts and uncles would say, because they were bastards like that.

The other little boys would blush and give him flowers before he coldly informed them that he was a boy. Their friends would laugh.

Shinobi were less tactful and seemed to think it was fun to brutally tease children under the age of ten. At least the ones Itachi would work with did.

It occurred to Itachi that he might never be taken seriously as a ninja.

Even shinobi who _were_ female weren't treated as if they were so delicate- even if it was in jest. Even before he hit the age of fifteen he was one of the top shinobi in the village.

However, Itachi refused to cut his hair. It was quite glorious, after all. So glorious in fact, that he had to tie it back, rather than let it flow freely, for that would surely blind people at the sight of its magnificence. What good was a village populated by blind shinobi? Whether this was actually Itachi's reasoning has never been confirmed.

At any rate, he kept it tied back, more than likely because it would get in his way otherwise (and wasexceedingly glorious), but he refused to cut it. It was his one impracticality.

It got to the point that Itachi could not go more than a few hours without someone commenting on his feminine appearance. If anything, he may have had feminine features, but his overall appearance was still _masculine_. Fucking retards.

There was only one thing he could do.

After several days without being seen, Itachi suddenly showed up looking for a new mission.

"Itachi! What happened to your face?" one of his colleagues asked when they saw two new lines running vertically down either side of his nose.

"I cut it. With kunai."

"Why?" another asked, bewildered.

"So I don't look like a girl."

"…"

"You still look like a girl, actually. Now you just look like a girl with scars on her face," the first one said.

* * *

A/N: This is one of those ideas that wouldn't leave me alone, and probably was funnier in my head, since I forgot a lot of the jokes I had meant to put in here. 

I would have uploaded this sooner, but I went to a punk-rock concert instead where all the individuals wore the exact same outfit and fixed their hair exactly the same way.Snerk. It made me laugh.


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Goals

Rating: PG

A/N:For HarvestMoonRacoon, who suggested I drabble about Lee.

* * *

Rock Lee had several goals in life.

One was making Gai-sensei proud. The second one was winning Sakura-chan's heart. Another was defeating Neji. The fourth was learning to speak squirrel.

Technically, he had already completed the first goal, but he had to also maintain it, which meant lots of hard work and training. The second one… well, perseverance and patience would surely win out, surely.

The third goal… well, since he had never specified what he would defeat Neji at just meant that he would have to challenge Neji to everything. Like Gai and Kakashi! Considering this, he already had several wins against Neji, usually when the Hyuuga would give up and walk away. Even if sometimes they hadn't begun the competition yet.

So yes, he had a few wins against his rival Neji. Of course, he also had a rival in love: Naruto. He had _two_ rivals! He was a very blessed ninja indeed.

Granted, Sakura-chan seemed to ignore both his and Naruto's attempts equally…

In his spare time, when he wasn't making Gai proud, challenging Neji, or trying to gain Sakura-chan's affections, he was studying squirrels.

In order to understand squirrels, he had to observe them. He had to make friends with them. He had to live with them.

So, whenever he could reasonably get away with it, Lee would sneak out for a few days and find a big tree to live in.

He would help squirrels gather acorns. He would watch them skitter up trees. He would tell them knock-knock jokes.

He even taught one the Lotus technique.

When he showed Tenten that he had trained a squirrel in taijutsu, she had taken his temperature. Tenten did not understand.

She had asked what good could a squirrel possible do with taijutsu techniques? They were small and weak animals.

Lee responded that it could defend against badgers.

For several minutes Lee thought Tenten was trying to best him in a staring contest.

Granted, success at first was minimal, but that didn't mean he hadn't learned anything. He could understand "acorn", "nest", and "tree" even if Tenten doubted that he really could.

Lee spent as much free time as he could with squirrels.

"Lee," the aristocratic voice of Hyuuga Neji called from below.

The taijutsu specialist awoke with a start, and peered out from the foliage of the tree. Tenten and Neji were looking up at him.

"Gai-sensei wants us to meet at the training grounds in ten minutes," Tenten called up.

With a bright smile, Lee jumped down from the high branch, anxious to start training. The absurd looks from his teammates made him falter slightly, though.

"Is something wrong?"

"Lee… is your outfit made out of leaves?" Tenten asked, eyes wide.

"Why yes! Thank you for noticing! It looks almost exactly like my regular outfit that Gai-sensei made for me."

They had been unaware that Gai had made Lee's regular spandex outfit, but weren't too surprised. There was a more pressing question anyway.

"Why?" Neji asked, regretting saying anything almost as soon as the word was out of his mouth.

"It brings me closer to the squirrels, of course!"

Tenten rolled her eyes. This was not the first time Lee had done something so bizarre in order to strengthen his 'relationship' with forest rodents.

Before they left, Lee turned around and waved at two gray squirrels that were watching from the base of a nearby tree.

"Chitter chitter squeak pitter neek," Lee said.

"Geet nit witter," one of the squirrels replied.

Both the squirrels and Lee bowed to each other before Lee headed off to the training grounds with a dumbfounded but not overly surprised Neji and Tenten following.

* * *

A/N: I think this probably took me 20 minutes to type. This is probably the first time I upload one of these drabbles almost immediately after typing it. Enjoy.


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Artistic Vision

Rating: PG

A/N: BlackMageRose13: I give you Deidara.

* * *

Deidara liked to sculpt. He would carve and mold anything that caught his eye. He had made little clay figurines of each Akatsuki member, and sometimes, just to piss them off, he would play with them in full view, creating a soap opera of their lives.

The little clay version of him usually came out ahead whether he was pretending to have them all battle each other or pretended they were having a baking competition.

He had become very good at mimicking everyone's voices.

Usually, he liked to sculpt something and then have it explode.

He had done this with each Akatsuki member as well.

The first few times, his coworkers had been slightly alarmed. Sasori had done his best to keep a measurable distance after Deidara had blown up his likeness.

It didn't help very much when they slowly realized that Deidara just really liked explosions.

The former Stone shinobi had tactfully kept his mouth shut rather than enlighten them that it was mostly just art that he liked to detonate. He had gotten a great deal of amusement every time someone said something malicious to him and he responded by staring at them for an unnecessarily long time while molding a piece of clay with one hand.

Kisame had threatened to cut off his limbs.

Their leader had forbade the dismemberment, being the only one to really have any data on Deidara before the artist joined the organization. The head of Akatsuki had researched the Stone nin's personality and past to decided if the acquisition of Deidara would be helpful or harmful to the group.

Admittedly, Deidara had blown up a few colleagues at one time or another, but he swore that he _probably_ wouldn't do so to any Akatsuki member unless they really had it coming to them.

It was good enough.

Although he was reprimanded when one of their members died of a mysterious explosion not long after getting into an argument with Deidara, which ended when the now deceased member threatened not only the blonde, but his art studio as well.

So it was with some small amount of apprehension that Kisame approached Deidara to tell him that he had accidentally destroyed about half of the blonde's recently completed works after he had agreed to a spar indoors with a fellow Akatsuki member.

Unfortunately, some of the more responsible members of the organization had gone into town for a few hours, leaving the restless destructive ones behind. Looking back, this wasn't the best decision ever made.

"Hey Deidara," his voice, at least, did not betray any anxiety or sheepishness.

"You want something, yeah?"

"Not really. Just thought I should let you know I sort of smashed up a bunch of your statues. Didn't mean to."

The blonde's one visible eye widened and he rushed quickly towards his room-turned-studio.

Kisame, prepared to defend himself followed after a brief hesitation, not wanting Deidara out of his sight if he could avoid it, because Deidarahad a creepy habit of appearing suddenly out of nowhere, often with palette knives in hand.

The former Mist nin found the artist staring open-mouthed through the doorway to his studio, the door itself swinging precariously on one hinge.

Inside the room, shattered clay covered the entire floor, clumps of it that hadn't reached a kiln yet were stuck to the ceiling and walls, glazes spattered across everything else. A fine dust was still hovering in the air, not yet settled.

Kisame waited for the slightest wrong twitch.

"It's… it's… it's beautiful!" Deidara cried, awed.

That day, Kisame gained a new best friend that he never wanted. Especially when Deidara started talking about their shared artistic vision.

* * *

A/N: I wish we knew who the other Akatsuki members were. Sigh.

I like Deidara. I group him in the same category as Kisame: Fun loving violent people.


	15. Chapter 15

Title: Prescription Medication

A/N: I've had this one uploaded for a few weeks, just never posted it. I find it mildly amusing. In other news, I finally quit my job! Since I was only go to do this about three months ago. Technically, I have another job, which pays me far more money for far less of my time, but apparently I need to be working more than two or three days a month for my family to be happy. To this I say: screw my family, I haven't had a summer vacation since I was 15. I'll get a job in August.

Also, we finally have green grass where I live! The average temperature is in the 60's (farenheit)! I should probably be outside right now.

* * *

Kakashi walked into the room late, not unexpectedly. His hand rose to scratch at the back of his neck, the one visible eye curved shut. 

"Ah, sorry I'm late, but I had to wrestle a mongoose so I could win a race."

"What?" Naruto asked. Kakashi's excuses were making even less sense lately. Before they had been unbelievable, but now they just lacked any meaning whatsoever.

"There was this race, and well, sometimes, you gotta' race."

Deciding to let it go, Naruto turned his attention back to the speaker at the other end of the room. They were at a ceremony for a new hospital wing that had just opened up and Naruto was told he had to be there, by the Godaime herself.

He really did have better things to do, but Kakashi was forced to go, too, and Sakura was there at the front of the room smiling at everyone as she stood next to Tsunade. Tsunade, for her part,was trying not to look sleepy and bored, but it wasn't working out too well. The man giving the speech wasn't very entertaining, and Naruto assumed that the only reason they were letting him talk was either because he had helped fund the new wing, or because he was going to be in charge of it. If he had been paying attention, he might know.

"What's that on his head?"

Naruto turned to Kakashi who had leaned in to whisper the question in his ear.

"What are you talking about?"

"That blue thing… on his head."

Naruto looked, and couldn't find anyone with something blue on their head, except for hitae-ate, and he was sure Kakashi would know what those were.

"Who?"

"The guy talking at the front," Kakashi said.

"The one giving the speech?"

"Yeah."

"He doesn't have anything on his head."

"Yes he does. It's blue… and I think it has eyes."

Naruto looked at Kakashi, squinting his eyes to see if he was serious. It alarmed him to find that Kakashi was completely sincere.

He ignored his instructor and instead waited for the ceremony to be over. It didn't take too much longer.

As they were filing out the room -some people were taking the tour of the new wing so the crowd wasn't bad- a green blur suddenly stopped in their path.

"Ah, Kakashi! My rival!"

"Hey Gai," Kakashi answered, appearing completely disinterested at Gai's sudden appearance.

"YOUTH!"

Naruto blinked at the sudden shout, waiting for a speech that never came as the people around them suddenly gave them more room. Gai was posing... pose number 8, if the diagram Lee had given Naruto as a gift of trust and friendship was any indication.

"Uh…" Kakashi started, "Is that a chickadee on your shoulder?"

Naruto couldn't see any chickadee on Gai's shoulder.

"No! It's the power of YOUTH! Flowers in bloom! Sunshine. Energy!" Pose number 37.

Although eccentric, Gai's speeches had at one time, made sense… in that they had a point, some thoughts, and a conclusion.

"Where'd you find a pink chickadee?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto would have to say it had been about three weeks since the two had really started getting weird, even for them.

"Pink is the color of love and YOUTH!" Pose number 23.

Naruto was thankful when Tsunade walked up to them. She glanced between Gai and Kakashi.

"I think I'm going to have to cut down your dosages." Neither Gai nor Kakashi were paying any attention to her, as Kakashi was trying to inspect Gai's shoulder from a distance, and Gai was trying to combine poses 14 and 56.

Naruto was confused. "Dosages?"

Tsunade looked at him. "They're on medications. They have been for about ten years."

"For what?"

"The life of a ninja is hard, brat. Sometimes it's tough on people, mentally."

"So they're on medication for their heads, and they're still nut-jobs anyway."

"They wouldn't be if they took smaller dosages."

"Just… eccentric...Ten years, eh?" Naruto asked, thinking back to how long it had been since he had known Kakashi. Certainly not ten years.

"As I'm told."

"And someone still thought it was a good idea for them to teach children how to kill people. Huh."

* * *

A/N: Personally, I would think that the number of therapists in a shinobi community might be a little higher per capita than other communities. Or at least, there would be more people who had instability problems.

I'm surprised I haven't drabbled about Jiraiya yet, since he's one of my all-time favorite characters. He's probably the coolest character in Naruto, and at the same time, a dork. _That_ is talent.

Also, I like crack drabbling about Kakashi, because I feel with him, I don't need to try.


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Prosperous Business

A/N: I wouldn't put it past Jiraiya to do this.

* * *

When Jiraiya was away from Konoha, it was naturally assumed that if he wasn't gathering intelligence on Orochimaru or the Akatsuki then he was drinking, chasing after women, and writing dirty books. Well, actually, all of the above were true.

Occasionally, he would bring his young student and delight in trying to show him the joys of life. Usually, he would end up losing his patience and toss the boy as high and far as he could because Naruto didn't shut up.

Although, there was some hope, because sometimes Naruto would catch a glimpse of a particularly stunning young woman through the cracks in the fencing around the baths and would manage to go silent for a few moments. At times like that, Jiraiya felt impossibly proud.

However there were times when Jiraiya did none of these things.

He did have many interests, after all.

"Listen up! This isn't anything like you'll learn at the academy."

At once, Naruto was all ears.

"Hey, what is it, what is it?" The apprentice asked eagerly.

"You see that man over there?" Jiraiya pointed through the bushes they were hiding behind at a middle-aged businessman.

"Yeah, what about him?" Suddenly Naruto didn't seem quite as interested.

"We're going to con him."

To say Naruto was confused was an understatement, but Jiraiya didn't worry, because his student spent a great deal of time that way.

"What do you mean, you old pervert?"

None-too-gently smacking the back of a blonde head, Jiraiya chose to elaborate. "We are going to convince him to do what we want using… unconventional means."

"…we're going to swindle him into giving us his money so we can eat lunch because you lost ours gambling," Naruto concluded.

Sometimes (often at the most inconvenient of times), Naruto was a little more perceptive than usual.

"Listen brat, if he's too stupid to hold onto his money, then he should entrust it to us. I've done this plenty of times, relieving people of their crushing financial burdens –taking away the stress from their lives, really."

Naruto looked unconvinced. Jiraiya thought he should maybe brush up on his linguistic skills, especially since he was a writer. If he couldn't convince a dense teenage boy about something, how could he ever be believable to his readers?

That was a matter for a different time, however. Lunch was only a half hour away.

"Just watch the master," Jiraiya said, tapping the boy on the top of the head. He stood up from his crouch behind the bushes and unassumingly made his way over to the man in the expensive business suit. Naruto stayed behind to watch if only because he had a good view of what he expected to be another failure on Jiraiya's part (why he didn't just find a better instructor was beyond him, though he half suspected it was rooted in entertainment value) and in case it all went horribly wrong, he wanted to stay out of sight while he quietly fled.

It wouldn't be the first time he left Jiraiya high and dry anyway.

He couldn't quite hear what Jiraiya said to the man as he walked up, or the rest of their conversation, but he did watch as Jiraiya pulled a small rectangular card out of a pocket and a few minutes later, a packet of papers that the man signed. He was amazed when Jiraiya was suddenly handed what looked to be a fair amount of money.

Then they shook hands, the man departed and Jiraiya walked back over to him.

"What did you say to him?" Naruto asked, partly awed, but more suspicious than anything else.

"He just made an investment in my company," Jiraiya said.

"You don't have a company."

"He doesn't know that. He also doesn't know he signed a piece of bark," Jiraiya said as he tossed a chunk of tree bark on the ground which, moments ago, had appeared to be a packet of investment papers.

Naruto wondered why Konoha marveled at such a morally bankrupt man.

"Now, if you create a clone and do that sexy no jutsu, you could pass yourself off as twin girls. Men will do just about anything for twins."

"You're not dragging me into this," Naruto said, folding his arms across his chest as he turned away.

"Did I mention what a brilliant battle technique this can be?"

Against his better judgment, Naruto looked back at the grinning sennin.

"How so?"

"Now, you'd have a bit of work to get there, but if you could convince an enemy or possibly an estranged teammate to agree to cleverly-disguised suspect deals, you can virtually control the outcome of a battle. It's like leading a horse with a carrot."

A vague mention of Sasuke was all it really took for Naruto to overlook the trap he was being lured into.

"So why have you never used it on Orochimaru?"

"The bastard burned one of my Icha Icha manuscripts. I'm not offering him anything."

"But you're sure this can work?" Naruto asked somewhat cautiously.

"Positive. If you'll sign on as my apprentice in this, I'll teach you all I know. Let me buy you lunch while we talk about this. Ramen sound good?"

Poor Naruto never had a chance before he was drug into the world con artistry.

Jiraiya couldn't have been more pleased. He had been looking for a suitable partner for quite some time, and if he had to heavily coerce this one into agreement, that was fine. He was just glad Naruto was a little more gullible than his last student. The Yondaime hadn't been fooled so easily into this scheme (although Jiraiya suspected his former student probably could have been good enough to con a giant demon fox had he bothered to learn the trade).

So in some ways, he was more proud of Naruto than the fourth. He was even proud the day Naruto surpassed him and somehow ended up with copious amounts of the sennin's money.

Of course, Jiraiya knew that when words failed, there were always fists, and Naruto was still weaker than him. So the next lesson Naruto learned was that when he conned his sensei, he should not stick around afterwards.

* * *

A/N: For some reason I can just imagine Naruto and Jiraiya on some street corner with a deck of cards, trying to get money so they can eat.

I also believe that Jiraiya probably enjoys thoroughly corrupting Naruto into a miniature version of himself. If Jiraiya were real and younger, I would marry him.


	17. Chapter 17

Title: Nail Polish

A/N: I was going to make fun of a certain person's outfit from chapter 306, buuuuuut, I went to the bar with my stepdad instead and argued/agreed with four drunk people for about three or four hours. It's a fun experience, and I recommend that everyone do it when they are of age to do so, if not already, and not to take the situation very seriously. It makes it funny then. The point is, I already had this one written (going on about three weeks now), so it's what you're getting. I'm in finals week, but that means little to me, which is why you are getting this lovely drabble I wrote just for you, insert name here.

* * *

Nine shinobi sat around a table. 

"So it's decided then. We will wear the nail polish."

Kisame, although he had been there the entire time, was still at a loss as to how they had determined that this was the thing to do. Or why it had even been worth discussing. Who in their right minds would mandate wearing fingernail polish for shinobis?

Since it wasn't going to chip off with every single little skirmish. Of course not. Such thinking would be preposterous.

It was perfectly reasonable that they should spend a portion of their time after each and every battle repairing the damage done to their nails.

He glanced to his left at the weirdo clay freak. With people like Deidara in the organization, it was no wonder they were reduced to this. Him and his puppet-thing partner, Sasori, whom he might add wouldn't have to worry much about repairing his nails, because not only was his true body ever actually fighting, but the paint on his puppets had a protective finish.

Sasori probably agreed to it just because it would be a pain in the ass for the rest of them. He was a bastard like that.

Deidara, he assumed, agreed to it because he liked to paint.

"What color?" someone asked. He wasn't sure who.

Immediately, several voices spoke up.

"Black."

"Navy blue," said a member directly across the table from Kisame.

"Green."

"Sunshine yellow," their leader suggested.

"French tip," the person across from Kisame called out again.

"Hot pink."

"Fuchsia."

Kisame wanted to smash his head against the table.

"We could put decals on," someone else called out.

A murmur ran through them, and the former Mist nin realized he'd probably be here much longer than he expected.

-

An hour later, when they decided against the decals –because no one could agree on what decals to choose, they had at least tentatively settled on a dark purple (or maroon, but that was to be discussed at the next meeting, though Kisame honestly couldn't see much difference).

However, someone had suggested new uniforms, and it was only with the greatest restraint that he kept himself from breaking out samehada and start cutting.

Cutting people in half, that is.

"Why do why have to have cumulus clouds? Why not stratus clouds, un?" Deidara asked.

"Does it matter?" Kisame ground out next to him.

"I _like_ stratus clouds, un," Deidara replied, squeezing a glob of clay in his hands tightly as he glared.

Kisame grinned, reaching for his sword, but the sudden uproar around him about different types of clouds on their uniforms killed his spirit.

He died a little inside.

"Nimbus!"

"Nimbocumulus."

"Cirrus."

"Cirrus clouds at sunset!"

He glanced to his right at Itachi, who was ignoring Zetsu (who was providing two different arguments) beside him while polishing his kunai.

Kisame wondered if Itachi would let him borrow a kunai so he could kill himself.

Probably not, Itachi was stingy with his belongings.

Slowly, while everyone else was caught up in the heat of discussion, Kisame pretended to drop a pencil on the floor. He bent over to pick it up, hiding beneath the table as he quietly replaced himself with an eraser that he used kawarimi on to mirror his appearance, while simultaneously disguising himself as a bug.

Aside from the slight pause in kunai polishing as Itachi glanced at him, Kisame was sure he went unnoticed as he quickly escaped the room.

He made his way to the kitchen (the room with a refrigerator, a cabinet, and not much else) to grab something to eat, more than a little shocked to find the leader of the Akatsuki already there.

Apparently he _had _been noticed. He'd probably get crappy assignments for months and Itachi would be bitchy because he'd have to go on them too.

"Are they still arguing in there?"

So maybe he hadn't been noticed. He just wasn't the first to think of escape.

"Yeah, they're whining about the cloud pattern on our cloaks," Kisame said, going to the fridge.

A few minutes later, Itachi walked in. Followed by Sasori, who looked pleased with himself, even if he was hidden inside a puppet. He radiated smugness, probably because he brought up a whole new topic of discussion before he snuck out.

Slowly, five more members snuck in.

"Whose left in there?" Kisame asked.

"Zetsu," the leader replied. The poor sap probably had no idea he was stuck in a room full of kawarimi's and bunshin's for the next few hours.

It wasn't like any of them would bother to tell him.

* * *

A/N: What else does the Akatsuki actually do? We know they chase after jinchuuriki, but they go after Naruto how often? (And they only sent _two _of their members to do that.) So what do they really do with their time? Get pissed at Orochimaru –but that doesn't seem like it'd take long, Orochimaru has a real knack for it. 

Of course, the less we know, the more I can speculate.


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Practice

Rating: PG

A/N: I'm sorry, but why doesn't this happen?

* * *

Kakashi merrily flipped another page of his book. It was a beautiful sunny day and he had left the three bra— his three young students to spar for the afternoon so he could maybe take a nap and read his book. 

He happily curved his eye as he dog-eared the page he was on, he'd have to go back and read that one again.

"AAAHHH!"

He looked up, ready to dismiss the yell because for some reason, his team seemed to be unusually loud at times for no particular reason.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my _God_! What are we gonna' _DO_?" Sakura. She had a tendency to overreact at times. It was probably nothing.

"I can't feel my arm!" Sasuke. Naruto was probably sitting on his arm or something while they were wrestling.

"There's so much _blood_!" Naruto. Okay… maybe he had better check this out. They did sound a little panicked.

Kakashi got up, but didn't feel the situation really called for him to put his book away yet, so he made a couple seals and appeared before his students in a cloud of smoke.

He glanced at the trio and dropped his book.

Sakura and Naruto were screaming their heads off. The kunoichi looked like she wanted to help Sasuke but was too afraid to actually touch him in case it made things worse. Naruto was yelling about blood and how 'Sasuke was going to die' as he threw his teammate's arm around his shoulder. Sakura yelled at him for jostling Sasuke.

Sasuke himself looked even more pale than usual, his eyes wide in a state of near-panic. He was staring at the blood running down his front.

From a kunai stuck in the left side of his chest just above the heart.

/_Well, no wonder he couldn't feel his arm_./

Kakashi shook the thought from his head as he rushed forward, grabbed his student from Naruto's grasp and headed towards the hospital. After all, there was the possibility that the boy might bleed to death.

-

Kakashi looked at his students. Naruto and Sakura looked a little ruffled, but otherwise fine. Sasuke's bandages showed where his shirt didn't cover.

"So what happened, exactly?"

"We were running drills…" Sakura said, meekly.

"I tossed a kunai to Sasuke and…" Naruto gestured with his hand.

Kakashi looked at Sasuke, but he was resolutely looking in another direction.

"Well, accidents happen, and we can learn from them. For instance, I learned that you three need to brush up on your first aid. Otherwise, I can't in good conscience send you out into the field. You'd probably end up killing an injured teammate over a mild flesh wound. You probably don't want to scream that they're going to die to their face, either," he looked at Naruto.

"Also, you shouldn't yell at the person who's trying to help," he turned his attention to Sakura.

"You also need to try and stay calm yourself for the sake of the people who are trying to help you," he glanced at Sasuke who had, upon arrival at the hospital, began to threaten various members of the staff, and his grip had broken at least one doctor's arm.

He paused to let that sink in for a moment.

Then he pulled out a book entitled, "_Field Guide to Common Injuries_" and a roll of gauze.

"The first step, and one of the most important, is to _remain calm_…"

* * *

A/N: You always see these ninjas running around during training throwing weapons at each other or to each other and no one ever seems to get hurt... 


	19. Chapter 19

Title: On the Subject of Sasuke...

**WARNING**: Contains **spoilers** for chapter 309.

A/N: Just read chapter 309. Then I had to write this. (I thought I had uploaded this a week ago, and then I left town for job training; turns out I was wrong. So I haven't even read chapter 310 yet.) I was going to write one about what Orochimaru was doing while everyone was hanging out with Sasuke, but that never happened. Can't say I'm very surprised. I kind of figured Kishimoto would pull something like that –my guess is he's going to wait until Orochimaru tries to take over Sasuke's body so it's more dramatic when Naruto and Sakura show up to save him.

* * *

Naruto grit his teeth, as Sasuke once again slipped out of their grasps. Damn that Orochimaru for interfering. 

He looked over at Sakura, who was staring at the spot where Sasuke had been.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Maybe we should just kill him and be done with it."

"Or get him counseling," Sakura said.

"Yeah, he could probably use it."

"I mean seriously, he's got a major revenge complex going on," Sakura huffed, putting a hand on her hip.

Sai walked up to them, standing next to Naruto, before he added, "I know the name of a good shrink."

Both of the original Team 7 members looked at him.

"It's a requirement for all members of the ANBU Roots to undergo periodic psychological examinations."

"But how do we get Sasuke to see a shrink?" Naruto asked the question that would come up eventually.

"We'd have to lead him there, obviously, and trick him into it," Sakura said, mind whirring.

"But how?" Naruto asked.

"You put cheese in a mousetrap because mice like cheese," Sai murmured.

"Something that'll catch Sasuke's interest…" The medic chewed on her bottom lip as she turned fully to face her two teammates. Yamato was in the background, forgotten, and happy to be so –this conversation looked like it was headed for disaster.

"The only thing that Sasuke's interested in is Itachi," Naruto said, an idea starting to form in his mind.

"And free lunch," Sakura added.

"Well, yes, that goes without saying," Naruto agreed, "but how far out of his way would he go for that?"

"Well there was that one time…"

"True. He is cheap."

"You know, I never really understood that, because he had plenty of money," Sakura said, effectively sidetracked.

"Yeah, he used to always eat really fast whenever we all went out to eat together so he could leave before the bill came."

Honestly, Sai was at a loss as to why they really wanted Sasuke back so much. Sure, he could understand the bonds that you got from friendship, but he couldn't figure out how anyone could form much of a bond with the young man that he had very recently met.

Seriously, that Uchiha boy was a raving lunatic.

"But back to Itachi… if we can somehow get the word out that Itachi is going to be in a certain place at a certain time, do you think Sasuke would rush right over?" Naruto asked.

"Well, caution was never his strong point. Even if he admitted that he can't kill Itachi yet, he might let revenge sort of cloud his rational thinking," Sakura responded.

"I hadn't noticed any rational thinking," Sai pointed out.

His comment was noted, then ignored.

"So, how do we get that information to Sasuke?" Naruto's mind was sorting through different possibilities.

"We have to have someone feed it to him, I don't know if we can trust Orochimaru to pass it along to Sasuke if he heard Itachi was around. He'd run the risk of losing an investment."

"So we have to get someone on the inside who can talk to Sasuke directly. Sai, you sort of blew that one," Naruto added.

"Well, at the time, I was going to kill him."

"Yes. That might've been easier. Doesn't Orochimaru have a jutsu to bring the dead back?" Naruto asked.

"Yes, but we don't know it," Sakura pointed out, shooting that idea down... for the time being.

"I don't suppose we're allowed to send Konoha shinobis to do this for us, get close to Sasuke and give him false information," Naruto asked.

"We can hire," Sakura said.

"We could, but then, how do we get Sasuke to keep from killing the shrink?"

"Well, we'd have to ambush him, find a way to restrain him."

"Shikamaru! He can immobilize Sasuke long enough for us to put a seal on him or at least knock him out!" Naruto nearly shouted, excitement showing on his face.

"Yeah! …Do you know any seals?" Sakura asked.

"Well, I did spend the past two and a half years running around with Jiraiya, and _he __is_ a seal expert."

"So we should bring Jiraiya along, too."

"So let's see, we hire a shinobi to get false information to Sasuke (from Konoha or otherwise), lure him to us, ambush him with Shikamaru's shadow jutsu, knock him unconscious and seal up most of his chakra, and then force him to sit and talk with a shrink," Naruto said, going over their plan out loud.

"It could work," Sakura said, a smile spreading across her face.

Yamato chose that moment to intervene in the conversation, because his life was too precious to him to waste on listening to idiocy.

"We need to start heading back to Konoha and hand in our report."

"Say, Captain Yamato! You don't have any friends looking for a few extra bucks that Sasuke doesn't know, do you?" Naruto asked, causing their temporary leader to regret opening his mouth.

"Someone who could pass themselves off as knowing a little about Akatsuki movements and appear credible to Sasuke?" Sakura asked, putting on her best pleading face.

"Why don't you ask Sai?"

"Sai doesn't have any friends," Sakura said, brushing off his question with a wave of her hand. They all chose to ignore Sai, who smiled.

Yamato fought the urge to cringe when the two suddenly appeared at his side, bottom lips jutting out and eyes growing watery. He started walking away, when Sai fell into step with him (the other two trailing behind with tuned-out begging).

"You know, Naruto's bond is very important to him," Sai began.

* * *

A/N: This is a drabble that is longer than some people's chapters. I liked Sai in this. 

I have the next two drabbles written, because I'm leaving town again next week (for more training), so expect the next one in a couple days, or whenver I sleep off my training week. I had 148 e-mail messages this time around, I'm shooting for 170 next week.


	20. Chapter 20

Title: Brothers

A/N: Can't believe I have twenty of these.

* * *

Sasuke was like most younger brothers who wanted to be like their cool older brothers. Especially since his older brother was even cooler than other people's older brothers. So when Itachi killed off their parents and then the rest of the clan for good measure, this left young Sasuke with a bit of a dilemma. 

If Sasuke was going to be 'just like' his brother, there were a few problems.

Sasuke couldn't kill his parents –they were already dead. The whole clan was virtually extinct. What was he supposed to do? Piss on their graves?

He couldn't do that –when he went to visit them, he discovered that cemeteries made him bladder-shy. At first, he thought it was the other guy who was there yelling at a grave for an hour. He wasn't going to do it with anyone around to catch sight.

Sasuke knew he had drank plenty of water for the occasion, but he couldn't actually come through. It was something about the ghosts of the dead watching. In public restrooms, he had always chosen a stall –urinals made him uncomfortable. Anyone could just walk in and see you.

When Sasuke went home that evening without success, he nearly wet himself trying to unlock his door, because at that moment, it hit him that he had to go -as in yesterday. It didn't help that he couldn't find his keys.

He ended up using what was once his mother's former flower garden which had since grown over.

In the end, he felt it evened out.

The next thing was killing his best friend. Technically, he should have done that first (to follow Itachi's order) but at the time (of the flower garden incident) he didn't have a best friend. He was kind of the class dork. All study and whatnot.

Then Naruto came along. It was a dysfunctional friendship –but that's how Itachi's social relationships were. Sasuke felt he had done good on that one. Naruto was perfect in that regard. However, Naruto was a colossal failure for the other part.

It wasn't his fault his best friend wouldn't die from a gaping hole in his chest! Much less grow it all back in moments.

The sentiment was there, at least. He held up his end, it was Naruto who didn't get the memo on that one. Besides Itachi was interested in Naruto for whatever reason, so in the future, Sasuke could use that to his advantage. It was one of those 'whatever helps you sleep at night' sort of reasoning.

The last things Itachi did that Sasuke was aware of was skip town and join a criminal organization. Check and… well, the missing nin thing was done…

Orochimaru's village was comprised of a lot of missing nins... and Sound was sort of the criminal organization village of the shinobi world…

Even if it was a legitimate village.

Sasuke checked the last item of his list and sighed.

Kabuto glanced up from a scroll he had been reading nearby. "Something the matter, Sasuke?"

"Sometimes you feel like you lose when you succeed."

Kabuto grinned, because he sensed the Uchiha was distressed. His amusement turned to confusion when he heard the mutter that followed.

"I bet _he_ would've been able to piss on their graves."

Kabuto decided it would be in his best interests not to ask.

* * *

A/N: If you try, maybe squint a little, you'll swear that Sasuke is trying to model his life, personality, etc. after the example of Itachi in the canon. He just doesn't do a very good job. 


	21. Chapter 21

Title: Brothers: Part II

A/N: I completely crack-ified Sasuke.

* * *

There was a mandatory Akatsuki meeting that Itachi found himself forced to attend. He made it a point to be late, because he was sure there was a stupid reason behind it. 

Of course, he wasn't the only one with such thoughts and ended up arriving with everyone else anyway. So much for that.

"As you know, we recently lost a member to food poisoning."

Itachi tried to recall that, but only vaguely remembered something about Sasori's replacement at some point not being around anymore, but more importantly, a new fridge showed up a week later. Someone had even put up drywall, and a dehumidifier showed up to help prevent mold. Even the genius of the former Uchiha clan had been impressed at that one. Not so impressed with the daisy wallpaper border, even if it did sort of spruce up the whole kitchen area –which now consisted of a new fridge, drywall, a dehumidifier, and a daisy wallpaper border.

"We have a new addition to our elite…" their leader started to drone on about their mission statement and other things they were required to know, but didn't.

"Next mission's pay says the newbie doesn't make it through the week without dying," Kisame whispered.

"We drew up a pool," Zetsu said on his other side, which basically meant that the various Akatsuki members would have a go at the new member's life on select days. Itachi glanced at the sheet being held out to him, found a pen and initialed the box that gave the new recruit five days. He passed it back to Zetsu, who moved over to Deidara with the pool.

"Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" their leader said.

"My name's Sasuke, I'm originally from Konoha…"

Itachi's head shot up at the name (slightly damaging his super-cool suave image, but he recovered nicely anyway).

"I've been in Sound for the past couple years. You all know my brother, Itachi," the new recruit said, gesturing towards the infamous elder Uchiha.

There were some murmurs and a new pool was drawn up (this time Itachi chose three days).

"Why are you here?" Itachi asked, inadvertently gaining everyone's attention.

"I want to be just like my big brother," Sasuke said, appearing to be completely serious. There was some debate as to whether they should adjust the pool again, but it was eventually shot down.

"Why?"

"I don't know," psycho jr. replied, shrugging.

"Go home, Sasuke."

"No, I worked hard to get here."

"Do it."

"No, I pissed on Mother and Father's graves for this!"

That didn't quite make sense. To anyone.

"…You urinated on our parent's graves?"

"Harsh," Kisame muttered.

"Well, not quite," Sasuke admitted, digging his toe into the ground the way he had when he and Itachi were younger, "I got bladder-shy, but I _did_ piss on mother's flower garden, which is almost the same!"

The pool was redone.

"Still harsh," Kisame said quietly, "but in a weenie sort of way."

"Wait… why did you feel the need to do this?" Itachi asked, uncharacteristically clueless and doing a bad job of hiding it, since it was a rather new situation.

"To be like you."

Itachi wasn't comfortable with the questioning glances.

"I never did that."

"No, but it's not like I could resurrect them and kill them again. Orochimaru never taught me that jutsu."

"You said he did," their leader said, frowning.

"Yeah, that was just to get in. You really should've checked up on that," Sasuke said, tone indicating that the neglect to investigate his claim was stupidity and a bad reflection on the leadership.

"Then you should have killed Naruto-kun," Itachi commented, ignoring the sidetrack in the conversation.

"I'm killing his soul -that's even better."

Itachi decided it would be best not to respond to that and wondered if he had gone too far when he decided to fuck with Sasuke's head over the years. Even some of the other members were shaking their heads and giving him dirty looks when presented with his brother's dementia.

"But now that I'm here," Sasuke continued, "you said you would teach me to throw kunai and you never did, so guess what?"

"That was almost eight years ago."

"Yeah, well, I came all this way so you could teach me."

"You already know how."

"But _you're_ best," Sasuke insisted.

"No."

"Look, I tried to kill my best friend, pissed on my Mother's flower garden –_that she loved_- became a traitor, and joined the Akatsuki so you could make good on your promise."

Three days later while Itachi was instructing Sasuke on proper kunai throwing techniques (and losing money on the pool), he made a vow to himself.

Itachi never promised Sasuke anything again.

* * *

A/N: If they ever had a peaceful reunion, it would probably be the most entertaining arc in the Naruto series. 

I would've uploaded this a lot sooner, but I was job training for a week or so. My first flight was late and my second cancelled, so they put me on a different flight, but then realized they overbooked it so they put me on a different airline and then they lost my luggage. It was great. Then I spent my week either sick or trying to politely (towards the end not so much) discourage another (married) student's interest. The good news is I won't have to do any of that for another three years.

I tried to upload this on Friday, but ff dot net was all like, "Nope!" It's apparently fixed now.


	22. Chapter 22

Title: Public Speaking

* * *

Orochimaru looked over the village of Sound from one of the many towers stationed inside its walls. 

It had grown throughout the years.

With hard work and toil on his part, he had created this village. He had always wanted a village of shinobi at his command. How else would he destroy Konoha? Of course, when he still lived in Konoha, it was for different purposes, but priorities change.

When he joined the Akatsuki it was partly as a safe haven from Konoha's hunter nin's and to try and deter Jiraiya's meddling nature.

Seriously, Jiraiya had turned into quite the whiner over the whole deal. Just like Jiraiya's student was being a whiner over Uchiha Sasuke.

"Orochimaru, I can't let you get away with this," the Sound leader said in a childish imitation of his former teammate. "Orochimaru, why are you doing this? What do you have to gain?"

The snake sennin put his hands on his hips. He had a whole village to gain.

The other reason he had joined the Akatsuki was because they seemed to enjoy searching out forbidden jutsus and gaining power. He figured that since they had those things in common, they would probably hit it off.

Until he decided to quit without permission and steal a few things as he went.

By then, he had already had shinobi pledged to him and the start of what would become a brilliant spy network.

Of course the Akatsuki hadn't liked that very much, but he had more important things to do. Such as destroy his former home.

He was rather upset about the whole Konoha thing.

He reached into his pocket for the scroll he knew was there. After all this time, he still carried it around with him.

Sighing heavily, he unrolled it, eyes chasing over the characters. It was a speech he had written many years ago that he had planned to read at his inauguration as Hokage.

"I would like to thank the academy for this award, for if I hadn't started my shinobi career under the capable instructions of the teachers there, I never would have made it to where I am today..."

He looked out over Sound and felt his shoulders droop, just a little.

You don't get to make acceptance speeches when you create the damn village.

* * *

A/N: I've been busy. We dug out our basement because it was starting to cave-in just a little. Anyway, rather than calling in contractors, we did it ourselves, because there's a few heavy equipment operators in my family and they managed to collect some machinery before they got married and had wives to tell them, "No." They made me run the skidsteer. For the record, my skills as a heavy equipment operator are "novice" at best. So basically, my stepdad whose been doing this for almost thrity years was laughing at me, because I've been doing this for almost a year and I suck. The point is, we now have dirt for a lawn.

We had a huge ditch going all around our house for a few days and my brother who had gone to a friend's wedding one night came home and apparently forgot there was a ditch there. I guess he ended up sliding like twelve feet down, pulled out the phone cord, screwed up his ankle, and hit his head. Apparently he had been drinking, so we all made fun of him. I tried convincing my stepdad that we could just line the ditch with drain tile and have a moat (since we already had a bridge to get in the front door), but he wouldn't go for it.

Then I was lazy for a few days before I whipped this out and decided I should just babble for like three paragraphs in my author's note.


	23. Chapter 23

Title: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Rating: PG-13?

* * *

The grave look on Tsunade's face was causing Naruto some worry. 

The longer her examination went on, the firmer her jaw got and Naruto could swear the silence was getting quieter. So when the Hokage straightened, spine stiff, he tentatively touched the spot on his stomach where Tsunade had just been running a diagnostic.

"The seal is weakening, Naruto."

"I know." She had told him this before.

"You and the fox are merging at an increasing pace."

Naruto swallowed and tried to fight back the panic that was starting to rise.

"So what are we going to do?" he asked, feeling as if his collar had suddenly grown too tight. The paper on the examination table crinkled loudly as he shifted slightly.

"There's only one thing we can do."

She paused, and her eyes hardened with resolve. "I have to kill you."

Naruto stared at her.

He continued to stare.

"_What_?"

"It's better that it's someone who cares about you."

"Don't you think that's a bit drastic? I mean, this is my _life_ we're talking about!"

"Naruto, the fox is going to gain control, and _he will kill you_ in the process."

"How do you know that? Have you ever seen it happen?" Naruto questioned, voice rising in pitch.

"Well… no, but considering it is older than Fire Country, the most powerful demon we know of, and a genius… well, you're no genius, Naruto, so I'm sure it can find a way."

Despite a sudden fear for his life, Naruto couldn't help but feel offended.

"We don't even know that will happen!"

"Don't make this any harder than it has to be, Naruto," Tsunade said, pushing up one of the sleeves on her lab coat as her fist began to glow with ominous chakra.

"Can't we put another seal over it or something?" Naruto asked, eyes glued to Tsunade's balled hand as he inched backwards, fear beginning to rush through his bloodstream.

"Where will you find a stronger seal than the one the Yondaime used?"

Naruto didn't exactly know of any, but that didn't mean there weren't.

"Shouldn't we consult Jiraiya, first?"

His eyes swept from side to side as Tsunade moved closer, looking for anything in the small examination room that could be used as a weapon of defense.

"The Yondaime learned the seal from Jiraiya, and it was the strongest he knew."

"Yeah, but that was like fifteen years ago! I'm sure he's learned some new ones since."

"Maybe, but they'll probably fail in time, too."

"You don't know that!" Naruto cried, pushing himself off the table and closer to the door. He didn't see why she wasn't going to try and prolong his life.

"Brat, you have to face the facts. You're going to die one way or another."

Without waiting for a reply, she leapt at him.

Using speed gained from pure adrenaline, Naruto pushed himself off to the side, arms automatically coming up to cover his head as the wall behind him shattered in a wave of plaster and wood.

Biting his lip, his hands flew through the seals for a clone, feet moving on their own accord. A ribbon of blood ran down his face from just above his temple. Tsunade had barely nicked him, but judging by the painful throb that was already starting, it would swell into an area the size of his palm.

Before he knew it, he and his clone were forming a rasengan that he shoved into the opposite wall, running through it, and falling two storeys to the street below.

He hit the ground running, the impact shooting up his legs despite a chakra cushioning, making him wobbly for a split second.

A thud behind him alerted him that Tsunade was in pursuit.

His clone that had followed him down stopped for delay purposes to hopefully give him a few precious seconds.

Flying through another set of seals, he bit his thumb and pressed it to the ground, watching as a surge of smoke the size of a large building swelled up and Naruto found himself on top of Gamabunta's head.

Before the giant toad could ask questions, Naruto was already shouting.

"No time for questions! Just go!"

Judging by the high-pitched panic in the boy's voice, Gamabunta decided he'd wait to snap at the mini-brat later for bothering him.

As Naruto escaped into the sunset Tsunade cursed. Kyuubi was going to tear his way out of the boy's stomach, she was certain, but at the moment, she was more concerned about how she was going to write off the collateral damage done to the hospital.

The shockwave of her punch alone had caused the hallway floor and the ceiling to collapse and then Naruto's rasengan managed to crumble the outer wall of several examination rooms.

-

Jiraiya looked at Naruto, wide-eyed.

"She didn't even try to get a hold of me?" he asked.

"I don't know!"

"She does realize that other jinchuuriki's have had different seals used on them, doesn't she? One of them might work."

"I don't know!"

Come down here so I don't have to yell up at you!"

Naruto looked at his white-knuckled fists that were desperately clenching Gamabunta's cape (who was trying very hard to be patient, given the situation, but was having difficulty).

"I can't let go!" Naruto wailed, unable to uncurl his fingers even a little.

Jiraiya could understand, as Tsunade was very frightening. He knew from experience.

Naruto was just glad they had taken a urine sample before his examination. So was Gamabunta.

"Catch him. I have better things to do," the giant toad said and in a cloud of smoke, he was gone. Jiraiya put his hand to his chin as he went over the various seals he knew in his head, ignoring the sudden cry and thud behind him.

* * *

A/N: Naruto should eat more apples.

I like Tsunade, I think she's awesome, but I turned her into the (well-meaning) bad-guy anyway. For some reason, I really like all the female blonde characters (yes, including Ino -maybe someday I'll explain that one).

I'm going on a fishing trip tomorrow, I think it's like a week long -I don't really know for sure because I never bothered to ask. Apparently they volunteered me as the cook. So I guess I'll be eating filet mignon and they'll be having chunks of jerky. I'm hoping with the change of scenery I'll be able to finish one of my fics (I'm so close, but it's like pulling teeth), edit one (in _very _sore need of it), and work on a third, which looks like it'll be an epic. I'm debating on whether on not to put up the third (at least the first chapter of it) because I can't imagine I'll update it with any sort of regularity, and so far the first part is by far the best (in terms of humor, anyway) that I almost feel like it'd be disappointing to read the rest. That so rhymed.

So anyway, I'll be fishing. My computer is coming with, so I should have another drabble ready when I get back. Unless I'm lazy -which is a known fact.


	24. Chapter 24

Title: An Apple a Day II

Rating?

A/N: By request, I continued this one. Not sure if this is at all like what G-Man expected, but eh, it mildly amuses me.

* * *

Tsunade pulled the hood back from her head, frowning as she watched the shinobi she was meeting with in private do the same.

"Orochimaru," she said, clipped.

His replying smile always seemed to have the shadow of a sneer.

"Tsunade. To what do I owe this pleasure, that Konoha's Hokage and my former teammate would risk meeting like this?"

She could tell that he was enjoying this. The bastard.

"I need you to kill someone."

At this, the snake sennin raised an eyebrow, obviously confused. She had a whole village of shinobi at her command, and even if she needed someone killed for political reasons (which would require the type of secrecy she was currently employing) there were special teams of shinobi specifically created for that purpose. Teams that officially didn't exist, and all but the densest shinobi knew were there.

He couldn't help but admit that he was curious.

"Who would that be?"

There was a pause.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

There was a longer pause.

"Hoo… not what I was expecting…" Orochimaru admitted, "I guess I don't see why you need me." Or why she suddenly wanted the kid she had seemed so attached to dead.

"He's with Jiraiya."

Valid. However, Jiraiya was easily distracted by women, and a competent team could move in and strike the brat down, and he knew that there were enough shinobi in Konoha to form a team that would be more than willing to kill the kid.

"Your point?"

"The seal is weakening."

Again, a competent team would do the trick.

"I'm not going to waste my time on this," the leader of Sound said, turning to walk away.

"Wait!"

"No."

Tsunade cursed as he suddenly disappeared, knowing she didn't have the time or luxury to chase after him when Shizune was busy covering for her sudden absence at the Hokage seat. The council wasn't exactly united in what they wanted to do with Naruto. Despite having a horde of shinobi at her command, it would be noted who their target was, even if she wanted to keep it under wraps. Naruto's death would be heavily noticed and against her best efforts, an investigation would have to go underway to determine that it wasn't Akatsuki, and if not, whether or not it was someone who was after the demon fox. Jiraiya would especially complicate matters.

It was bad enough when a Hokage was ordering secret murders of her own forces, even worse when it wasn't pre-approved by the village council. It wouldn't even matter that she was doing it for the boy's own good. Which may have seemed contradictory, but would he rather have the demon devour him from the inside out? Clawing through his stomach and bursting free to kill everyone and everything that Naruto had ever loved?

Stamping her foot, and cracking the ground in the process. If the Akatsuki weren't after Kyuubi, she would consider asking them.

Hostile villages would love the opportunity to have Konoha's Hokage in a secret meeting in the wilds so they could attack and use whatever result against Konoha. Several results being heavily against her favor.

Jiraiya and his big mouth (_the dirty rat_) made her hesitant to ask any allies –Sand would outright refuse anyway, seeing as though their leader happened to not only be of the same nature as Naruto, but also friends with him. It would certainly strain relationships.

Back to Konoha. By the time the council made a decision (assuming they would even agree with her solution since they all seemed to have their own ideas of what should be done concerning Naruto at any time) it might just be too late.

"Damn it!"

-

Naruto groaned. He was sick to his stomach, had a killer headache, his limbs were sore, so on and so forth.

He felt worse than he ever had, and that included that one time when he had a fist shoved through his lung.

"Jiraiya… I think that was too many."

The old man watched him, a pipe in the corner of his mouth. His eyes traced over the boy, the thick ink strokes on the floor, the blood…

"Can you feel any trace of the fox?"

"I can't feel my own legs."

The toad sennin puffed on his pipe, fingers drumming on his knee.

"When you go talk to the fox, has anything changed?" Jiraiya was vaguely familiar with the conversations Naruto had –based on what the kid told him.

"Well, it used to look like a cell with iron bars and a seal on the gate. Now it's a steel wall with a titanium door that has titanium hinges and bolts, and is covered with more seals than I can count. I can't even hear Kyuubi through it. By the way, I can't move my legs."

Jiraiya again traced his eyes over the boy. His skin was mostly black from being covered in seals, very little natural color showing through. He was more seal than shinobi. Considering it had only taken one seal to restrain the demon fox (that after fifteen years was just beginning to show wear), and Jiraiya had pulled out some of the strongest seals he knew of (and being an expert meant he knew a hell of a lot of seals)… the old shinobi tapped his chin.

"Eh… maybe we went a little overboard."

Naruto choked slightly as he fought down stomach acid.

"I guess we can remove a few. Really, I think the first two would have worked for at least another fifteen years… since they were used to seal up a demon in Stone… so maybe we didn't need the other fourteen hundred…"

Naruto ignored him by barfing.

* * *

A/N: This was rushed. I rushed a drabble. Hm.

On another note, ever know that you are going/have to do something (anything, really), but you have to wait to do it? Then you keep waiting and waiting and nothing happens, then BAM! Everything happens at once? I did relatively nothing through most of July. I go fishing. THE DAY I get back, a family emergency/crisis/issue-that-everyone-decided-to-turn-into-an-emergency-because-they-don't-happen-very-often-and-we-have-to-make-sure-we-stay-sharp happens, and I go from being eight travel hours in one direction to eight travel hours in the opposite direction in a 48 hour period. I am currently in the opposite direction, I go home on Sunday, but on Monday, I am preparing to leave for five months (not unexpected, because I knew it was a strong possibility). I want to sleep in my own bed. As soon as school starts, I will be working a full-time job and be in school full time via internet classes, and several hundred miles from home. Somehow, I get the feeling that this is going to suck.

I guess I can't say I never got to travel.


	25. Chapter 25

Title: Personal Requests

A/N: Something with Gaara and Itachi for Knives -you're right by the way, it doesn't really go anywhere.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was on a rather routine mission, despite the Akatsuki's recent efforts to really step-up their attempts at capturing the Jinchuuriki. 

Currently he was in a small village that was the last stop before the middle of nowhere. They weren't supposed to be there, but Kisame insisted on a side trip which they both silently agreed not to mention ever again, what with the unauthorized destruction and fires, and a few scenes where they both looked grossly incompetent and the other members of the organization would have a field day (scratch that, field _week_) in making fun of them provided they ever found out. Itachi and Kisame were determined that they never find out. They both learned a valuable lesson, however. Never underestimate pregnant female mental patients. Also, the issued cloaks weren't as durable as their leader claimed.

They could have avoided the whole mess entirely, except for that thieving stray dog...

Kisame was on the other side of the village, picking up his cloak from a seamstress because the nature of the repair was beyond his capabilities. While most shinobi possessed basic sewing skills –because they were unnecessarily rough on clothing- few were real experts. It was one of those things where you said you'd get to it eventually, but you never did.

Itachi himself was using the slight reprieve in the mission to patrol the area, more out of lack of anything better to do, really.

It wasn't as if they had to hurry to their target since time had never exactly been of the essence.

So it was surprising when Itachi found himself interrupted –and not by Kisame, either- although Itachi would never admit he was surprised.

Even if the intruder noticed the way his eyes widened and his barely-there sudden start. Of course, all this really meant was that Itachi would have to kill them, _now_.

Until, that is, he noticed just who his intruder was.

The Kazekage, Gaara of the Sand.

The Jinchuuriki housing the one-tailed beast.

If Itachi was the type, he'd display some sort of anger, because this meant he couldn't kill him. Although, that didn't mean he couldn't prevent him from ever waking up after beating him unconscious…

"Uchiha Itachi."

"Kazekage."

If there had been any witnesses that were familiar with either shinobi, they would be expecting a brief conversation, provided it went anywhere past the acknowledgement of each other.

"I have a request."

To say Itachi was confused would, according to Itachi, be a lie. He didn't get confused; he just didn't get enough information.

At Itachi's silence, Gaara continued, being well-versed in varying types of silences himself.

"I want you to be the Akatsuki that is assigned to come after me."

If not for his unparalleled self-control, Itachi would probably sputter or something equally embarrassing. Instead he raised a brow.

"Why?"

"I've met the Akatsuki team whose assignment was to come after me," he paused, allowing that to sink in. "It's an insult. I'm the Kazekage –that alone should be a requirement for a stronger team."

"…You're offended that the team that has been sent after you isn't stronger…?"

Granted, the information the Akatsuki had on Gaara included mental instability, but Itachi was wondering if maybe he shouldn't report all-out insanity. Although between Deidara's flamboyant style and his replacement partner's idiocy... Maybe he could understand, if he were the empathetic type or cared about the situation _at all_.

"Yes. Simply because Uzumaki Naruto has a stronger demon sealed inside of him does not necessarily mean that he requires a stronger team."

A thought occurred to Itachi.

"Are you jealous of Naruto-kun?"

He took Gaara's silence as a yes.

"I am going to repeat this. I am the Kazekage. Uzumaki Naruto is not the Hokage."

Itachi wasn't sure what that really had to do with anything. He was feeling like he didn't have enough information again.

"Do you want the Akatsuki to capture you?"

"No, that is not the reason I have sought you out."

"I am not in charge of which missions I receive."

"Request it."

It crossed the sharingan user's mind that this was a very elaborate trap conceived of stupidity. He wouldn't be surprised if Uzumaki Naruto had put the current Kazekage up to this and was currently hiding somewhere nearby, trying to hold in his laughter.

"I don't take orders from Sand."

"This isn't a sanctioned order from Sunakagure."

He had figured not. More than likely, no one was aware that their Kazekage was currently attempting to convince a known S-class criminal to get the okay to attempt kidnapping him.

"What's going on here?"

Both shinobi turned towards the voice of the intruder.

Kisame was grinning –because he didn't know what was going on (otherwise he'd be frowning in the confusion that Itachi most assuredly _did not_ feel) - and clad in his repaired cloak.

Despite the distance and failing eyesight, Itachi could tell that it was an extremely skilled stitch-job.

"I am convincing your partner that you two should be the team to attempt to abduct me."

Both were surprised when Kisame turned and started walking away.

"Where are you going?" Gaara demanded.

"It's too early to start drinking, and if I stay here, I'll be tempted to do just that."

As he watched his partner walk away, it occurred to Itachi that maybe, despite being a genius, Kisame might be smarter than him.

* * *

A/N: I think it would be hilarious if Gaara did this. Although it did take me a day or two to try to think of a reason why Gaara and Itachi would have any interaction purely for crack drabble purposes.  



	26. Chapter 26

Title: Lectures

Rating: PG-13...?

Warnings: There's some death and total disregard of the seriousness, respect, and meaning of death, in a way that my mother might describe as 'sick'.

A/N: I was trying to edit two different fics, but wrote this instead in a moment of inspiration. I must've been in the mood for dark humor. Oh and I fixed this, because for some reason, I kept referring the Yondaime as the 'third hokage' and opposed to the 'fourth hokage'. This is what happens when you don't read over your fics.

* * *

Sandaime stood over the dying body of the fourth Hokage of Konoha, a screaming infant in his arms. 

"You know, not to criticize or anything, but you could have sealed Kyuubi into your _own_ body and killed it when you died, which looks like any minute now."

The bloodied man's eyes widened, and his mouth opened, moving for a moment without sound until his voice rasped out, "Why didn't you say that... beforehand?"

"Well," and here the former (and soon to be present) Hokage shifted the baby boy in his arms, "I thought you would have known that. I mean, you did study the full scroll, didn't you?"

Judging by the almost sheepish look on the dying man's face, he could see that he would be mistaken in assuming that the scroll _had_ been read all the way through.

"Why are you... telling me this, _now_?"

"Just making sure that you're aware that you probably messed up this kid's life. Something to think about in the after life. You really didn't need this baby at all."

Comforting last thoughts.

The Yondaime's eyes closed, but his mouth moved, "The scroll listed it as the first and ... most effective... method of sealing."

"And you just took that and ran with it, not bothering to read the rest."

In his last few breaths, the blonde man could see very clearly why Jiraiya had often been annoyed (fed-up to the point of leaving town -the Orochimaru thing a convenient excuse) by his former sensei.

Like the toad sennin, the Yondaime Hokage hated lectures –especially _after_ the fact.

What could really be done then, anyway?

"You didn't even think that maybe you could have sealed the demon in something other than an infant? Maybe a tree stump or a turtle or a rock…?"

Aside from the fact that the object into which the seal would be placed required chakra –meaning a lifeless rock and a tree stump were out (since the tree stump would be dead shortly after becoming a stump)- it would be easy to break a seal on something like that. Slightly less so with a turtle, but one, where was he going to find a turtle in the middle of a battle with a giant demon, and two, what would happen if a demon-possessed turtle got pissed off?

Especially since little kids were fascinated by turtles and liked to take the home to their families and show their friends and half their neighborhood… carnage, pure carnage.

"Under the circumstances… I didn't have much time... to think…" His breath was becoming labored now.

"You're a shinobi, you're supposed to be able to think on the fly. Even worse is that you are the Hokage of this village. What does that say about Konoha?"

"That senility ruled your senses when you chose your successor?" Whether it was more amazing that he could come up with the comeback while his body and brain were shutting down or that he managed to say all that in one breath despite his crushed lungs was a matter of opinion. He was a pretty awesome ninja like that.

The Yondaime's chest started to convulse as he broke out into heavy coughs.

It was probably insulting to be taking barbs from a man who was choking on his own blood.

"I wonder if it's too late to contact Orochimaru and ask if he still wants the position?" For his part, the Sandaime seemed to have not heard the dying man at all, as one hand stroked his pipe in thought, and the child squiriming in theother arm.

"Senility. That would prove... your senility."

With one last shuddering heave, the body of the shinobi hero was stilled. He would now, forever, have the last word.

Several weeks later, after many attempts at contact and no responses, the Sandaime finally received an envelope in the mail from his former student.

It contained a close-up picture of the snake sennin's hand, giving the camera the middle finger.

* * *

A/N: I really don't see this as happening, but it addresses a question that I have wondered ever since the fight with Orochimaru and Sandaime. Maybe some of you have wondered about it too, since apparently you can seal someone's arms into _your own body_. Also, I took some liberties with the nature of the seal. I take a lot of liberties throughout this whole series, anyway, so I can't imagine anyone being broken up about it. 

I almost feel like I crossed some lines here, what with the dying and everything, but I have gotten the impression that the fourth Hokage was a good-humored man, so it I'm sure he'd get over me making fun of his final moments. This drabble is funny because you aren't supposed to do that. Some of you may disagree.


	27. Chapter 27

Title: Suggestions

A/N: I was going to update sooner but, I compltely forgot about this series. So that's pretty much it, I forgot.

-

-

_Dear Whiny Brat:_

_Why don't you ask Orochimaru to resurrect your family? He has a jutsu for it._

_Sincerely,_

_The Greatest Ninja-Author Known to the History of Mankind, Jiraiya_

_P.S. It would probably spite your psycho brother._

Sasuke put the letter down on his desk. His surprise at receiving any correspondence from the man who was Naruto's instructor, his own sensei's old teammate, the man who wrote the dirty books that Kakashi read –but who actually had nothing to do with him personally had faded after reading its contents.

Despite the initial disdain at being called a 'whiny brat' the perverted old man brought up a point.

-

"Orochimaru."

The sennin looked up from his latest experiment (involving a rat and a hair-growth jutsu) to acknowledge the ray of sunshine he had taken in.

The scowl on the boy's face was fairly standard.

"I want you to resurrect my family."

Orochimaru put down the magnifying glass he had been holding. This sounded like something that could lead to more effort than he deemed it worth.

"Why? You aren't strong enough to protect them from your brother. Have you given up on your revenge?"

That should settle the matter.

"I will be. When you take over my body, I want my family as payment."

"The whole clan?"

There was a pinched look on the boy's face.

"…the ones I can remember."

Orochimaru didn't see much of a problem with this, since he could control anyone he resurrected, _other than_ that it would be a complete waste of his time and energy.

The young Uchiha looked determined, however, and the leader of Sound personally thought that the temper bouts Sasuke went through were more like really dangerous tantrums. Similar to a three year old with a working knowledge of how to operate a flamethrower, who also, through some lack in foresight by the parents, owned one.

"Fine."

-

Orochimaru sighed irritably when Sasuke interrupted him from his current experiment. It had something to do with melding the speed of a cat with the work ethic of a bee, and placing them in the repertoire of a lemur –who would be disinclined to use either.

"I want you to resurrect my mother."

It had been a few weeks since Sasuke had first come to him with the request.

Orochimaru put down the chainsaw, removed his safety glasses and sighed.

"Tomorrow. I'm very busy right now."

-

Sasuke waited impatiently while Orochimaru completed the jutsu, the box that was holding what was to be his mother creaking open.

He was nearly shaking.

Inside, the still form of his mother as he remembered her slowly opened her eyes.

"Sasuke."

"Mother."

He was glad he never bothered to change his hairstyle from when he was eight, otherwise she may not have recognized him.

She stepped out of the coffin, and looked around her, eyes widening.

Especially when they rested on Orochimaru.

"Sasuke… what's going on?"

"Itachi killed you… he killed the whole clan… I came to Orochimaru to gain the power I need to avenge you."

Mikoto's mouth tightened grimly. It was not to be a happy reunion.

"How many times do I have to tell you and your brother not to fight? Hm? Really Sasuke, you must be what… fourteen, fifteen by now? Itachi should be around nineteen? I would have thought you two would have grown up! And you!" she said, pointing at Orochimaru, "You condone this behavior? What kind of role model are you? Do you have any idea how impressionable children are at this age?"

Faster than Orochimaru could have imagined, he had his ear twisted in her vise-like grasp.

Sasuke had a very wide-eyed expression on his face.

"Just where is Itachi? I'd like to talk to that boy."

The thunder in her eyes left no room for disobedience. Sasuke had forgotten this part about his mother… mostly remembering the memories of them spending quality time together in which he wasn't getting in trouble. Now that he thought about it, he had very few memories like that. If he recalled correctly, he spent a lot of time being sent to his room while cradling his poor abused ears…

"Itachi joined a criminal organization called the Akatsuki, mother," he answered, not quite sure of what he should do.

"I see."

Orochimaru winced as the grip tightened.

-

Itachi had been more than shocked when his mother barged in on a secret meeting with her hands firmly grasping Orochimaru's and his younger brother's ears.

"Itachi! Come here this instant! I'd like a word with you, young man."

He had never mentioned to anyone that before killing his clan, he had given his mother a cup of tea with a healthy dose of valium dissolved in it.

His ear would hurt for weeks as he spent his time sitting in a stool in the corner of his room. He tried to ignore Sasuke who sat in the corner across from him, who would occasionally shoot insults at him. Orochimaru sat in a third corner, but he was kept busy with his pocket patch-kit and whatever bugs happened to get within reach.

-

Jiraiya laughed heartily as one of his trusted informants relayed the news back to him. He had wondered what the end result of his letter would be. Now he had an excuse to slow the idiot's training so he could spend more time researching.

-

-

A/N: This drabble switched directions _sharply_ more times than a drabble really should.

It just seems to me that any woman who had those two as her children would either have to be kick-ass initially or would have to learn.


	28. Chapter 28

Title: Bad Timing

A/N: This is the result of a question I have.

-

-

Naruto had picked up habits from Jiraiya. Some would say they were bad habits –some being most.

One of these habits involved bathhouses. It was when engaging in this habit was one of the few times when he excelled in stealth. Actually, pretty much any time when he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing was when he excelled at stealth.

Somehow, he never could get it right at any other time–a fact that caused Jiraiya more headaches than any shinobi of his renown should be forced to have.

However, there were times that even hiding yourself from view and remaining absolutely silent couldn't keep you from detection.

This was revealed to Naruto one bright sunny day in Konoha when he was looking through the crack in a fence and a rather lovely dark haired kunoichi entered his vision. She didn't see him, nor did any of the other women. They didn't hear him, either.

Naruto couldn't shake the sense of familiarity he got when looking at her. He had seen her before, he knew. A couple of times, actually.

He was pretty sure he also knew one of her family members because there were some features that he definitely knew (although later when he realized who exactly she was and who she shared some of her attractive features with, he would vehemently deny any and all attraction.

Partly out of fear, partly out of revulsion.

At the time, though, he watched her walk over towards the vicinity where he was hiding, at a relatively unoccupied area of the steaming pool, while he tried to keep his drool in his mouth. A better view, as far as he was concerned.

A smile spread over his face deviously as she reached up to undo her towel from around her chest, when she suddenly stiffened.

"I smell something."

He was as curious as the other ladies near her as to what it was she smelled.

Then, before he could react, she spun around and punched through the fence where he was hiding.

His eyes widened in fear as dark eyes narrowed on him. He crouched for a moment, transfixed, eyes darting to the two red triangles painted on her face and her name blasted into his head –Inuzuka Hana, Kiba's older sister. He would've run at that instant, but she pistoned a fist into his face, first.

The blonde was thrown backwards, and after rolling to a halt, he saw a large crowd of women approaching him with their hands clenched into balls of pain. Really, there couldn't have been much more than ten, but it seemed like at least fifty to Naruto -and in later tellings of the story, he would claim it was.

He scrambled to his feet and started to run, but to his alarm, they seemed to be catching up.

He wasn't willing to fight them, because he figured he didn't have a shot at coming out of it in any sort of recognizable human-shaped form.

He would've been right.

Naruto realized his only hope was to flee.

Quickly, he whipped through some seals, bit his thumb, and slammed it to the ground.

The women halted as smoke billowed upwards and a giant toad stood in their path.

One of them screamed, having a strong dislike for slimy crawly things.

Naruto, for his part, grinned triumphantly from atop Gamabunta's head (and that may have been overkill summoning _him_, but ask Naruto if he cared).

"Let's get out of here!" the blonde cried.

"Fine…" The toad said, eyeing the women (while trying to suppress a shudder at the dark looks on their faces and their obvious bloodlust) and preparing to leap away when he halted, "Wait."

Naruto looked uneasy.

"Jiraiya's summoning me."

Naruto barely had time to let out a squawk of surprise before a tongue wrapped around him and dropped him to the ground (amongst triumphant cheers of angry women) and the giant toad disappeared.

Three weeks later, when his limp was finally gone and he was past the point of hiding in his closet, he sent an apology bouquet and a box of dog treats to the Inuzuka residence.

He also sent Kiba to the dentist the week after for a new tooth for even bringing up the incident (it was probably spurred on by the fact that the dog boy hadn't known whether to just laugh, or tease Naruto about being beat up by a girl and then laugh–despite having been beaten by her countless times himself).

As for Kiba's sister, every time she saw Naruto on the street for a year or two afterwards, she would smile sweetly and hold her fist up, then burst out into uncontrolled laughter as he ran away. Some people's idea of fun.

Jiraiya was confused for weeks why Naruto punched him in the face the next time they met, without even saying a word. That is, until Jiraiya made a visit to the bathhouses (unaware that after mentioning to his student that he was going to conduct some research, Naruto had sought out the Hokage monument and stood on top of it, waiting for a giant toad to appear) and a pretty Inuzuka girl mentioned seeing something like it happen before as she was pounding his face in along with a crowd of angry women.

-

-

A/N: I kind of wonder what would happen if two people tried the same summon at more or less, the same time.

I think my next one will be about Orochimaru. I've been meaning to write it since probably the second or third drabble. Guaranteed stupidity.


	29. Chapter 29

Title: Professional Differences

A/N: By writing this, I am assuming the leader of the Akatsuki is male. I may have assumed that in previous drabbles, but I don't really remember. Also, I'm probably messing up the timeline, because I'm not exactly sure when this happened. Lastly, I've kind of avoided writing much about the leader because we don't know his/her personality yet, but for this I said, "Screw it."

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The leader of the Akatsuki sat at his desk –a desk he had spent a good chunk of the group's finances on. It was a very nice desk. Hand-carved, imported, and large enough to hide a body under.

He wasn't actually doing any work since there was little deskwork to do within the Akatsuki, and the small amount that did come his way, he dealt with through the use of a simple word: delegate.

As it was, he was sitting at his desk doing a paint-by-number painting. The kind you find in the toy aisle at the local general store.

A light knock on the door sounded and he called for whoever was on the other side to come in. He wasn't too surprised to see Orochimaru come in, because he liked to request time off in order to conduct research –_a lot. _The sennin may have thought his immortality jutsus were important, and they probably were to him, but it annoyed the hell out of the other members who had to pick up his slack –except Sasori, because he was partnered with Orochimaru and had enough insane jutsus of his own to research.

"Pardon the interruption of your… uh," and here the legendary sennin who was normally smooth as silk with his words faltered, "… arts and crafts time, but about the recent campaign to capture the tailed beasts…"

The leader put down his paintbrush on a folded paper towel so as not to get his desk wet, where a few other brushes were, and then looked at Orochimaru. Good leadership dictated that you show that you are listening and interested, even when you aren't.

"Yes?"

"What are we going to do with them?"

"Well, see, I thought we could sort of capture the free ones, extract the ones from the jinchuuriki, and then sort of stuff them all into our own bodies."

What the thought processes were in the develpoment of that plan, Orochimaru did not care to guess.

"I see."

"Yeah, it's a pretty good plan."

"Why would we be doing this?"

The answer to that was simple enough.

"You were all complaining about being bored."

Orochimaru hesitated a second before replying. "So your response was to have us chase after powerful demons so we can '_stuff them into our own bodies_'?"

"It seemed hard enough to keep everyone busy for awhile."

"Well, the thing is, I'm more about stuffing _myself_ into other people's bodies, you know, so I can take over and live forever. Not really so much about stuffing things into me."

"I can see that, I mean, you are getting kind of old, so your frail and aged body might suffer under the strain, but I'm sure a demon would give you some spunk!"

There was no hesitation in Orochimaru's response, just narrowed eyes.

"I was wondering if I can turn in my resignation."

"No."

"Very well," and there was something that was too calm in his voice before he walked out the door.

The leader, if he had really given any thought to Orochimaru's acquiescence of his denial for resignation, may have realized that it was far too easy as far as Orochimaru was concerned. The man was insistent on getting what he wanted, and if one way didn't work, he would simply go another route –regardless of rules, obligations, and any sense of morality.

So the sudden absence of the sennin at the next group cocktail party shouldn't have been as surprising as it was. The rise of Sound a few months later with a rather familiar Otokaze shouldn't have either.

What really pissed the leader off, though, wasn't that Orochimaru had taken his ring, his issued (not given, members were supposed to return issued items after separation, thankyouverymuch) cloak, or Akatsuki secrets, but the fact that Orochimaru hadn't even said goodbye or at least invited them over for a housewarming party.

That was what really sparked the feud.

-

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A/N: Originally, this drabble was much stupider, and not in a good way.

No one seems to know exactly why Orochimaru left the Akatsuki –although it was implied that Itachi's growing power had something to do with it, and at one point, Orochimaru said something about Itachi refusing to help him in his plans against Konoha (it was hinted he wanted to occupy his body), so maybe Itachi hadn't taken the proposition well. For all we know, Orochimaru walked up to him and said, "Hey, you should give me your body and then I can run around learning a crapload of new jutsus and using Tsukiyomi on people for fun. Maybe use the Amaterasu thing you have going on."

To which Itachi would have replied, "Go to Hell." This would probably be followed by using a crapload of jutsus, Amaterasu, and Tsukiyomi on Orochimaru.

That may have been part of the reason why the Akatsuki and Orochimaru want each other dead. Sometimes I think my author notes have more crack in them than the drabbles.


	30. Chapter 30

Title: Drunken Master

A/N: I'm sure there's probably a few fics out there where Lee takes up this method of training. Inspired by a fic that inspired an idea for a fic that inspired this. Got that? Also, that one chapter cover where Gai's drunk and Lee is pretty much, "No." to drinking.

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Naruto was woken up by pounding on his door. Very loud pounding. At some point, he slipped onto the floor and drug himself along until he pulled himself up to his feet by grabbing onto the doorknob.

A quick look back to his clock told him in digital that it was very late at night and he would probably have to kill whoever was on the other side and hide their body in the woods.

He opened the door.

To say he wasn't surprised to see Sakura and Neji there would have been an outright lie.

He was still undecided about the late night murder and subsequent disposing of bodies.

"What the hell, you two?" Some people were not at their best when brutally woken up in the middle of the night.

"Naruto," and here Sakura grabbed onto his arm, as if to show that she cared deeply about him and needed his help, "we need you to get Lee."

"Oh for the love of-"

Did they not know what time it was? Seriously! He had been training _all day_.

"We have been unable to do it ourselves," Neji said, pinning him with a combination between an apologetic and demanding stare. It wasn't an easy feat, an honestly, Neji was the only one Naruto knew who was capable of pulling it off so well.

"Why don't you just let him be?" At this point, Naruto was slowing inching back into his apartment and trying to shut the door. Sakura put her foot in the way, forcing the door open and walking in, _completely ignoring the message Naruto had been sending._

"Naruto! We wouldn't do that if it were you, and we won't to Lee, either!"

Despite the reprimanding tone of her voice, the blonde was unphased.

"If it were me, I would want you to leave me alone, in fact, right now I want you to leave me alone."

"Naruto," Neji interjected, stepping forward, and making sure the air of authority was properly in place.

Naruto knew when he was being tag-teamed.

He was determined not to let them win.

So it surprised him (well, maybe not so much) when he found himself in a light jacket, cursing the damn wind for being so cold and the heavens themselves for it being such an ungodly hour and heading towards a section of Konoha _where he did not live_.

He was never happy when he was rudely awoken and exceedingly tired.

And then forced to do things.

It was smoky inside the tavern when he walked through the door, and it didn't take any time at all to spot Lee, because he was on top of the bar practicing taijutsu and very drunk.

Naruto walked up to him, and spoke, "Lee."

If he was ignored or just wasn't heard, he didn't know, so he spoke louder. "Lee!"

The taijutsu movements slowed, a roundhouse kick spun through the air, a backflip landed and then a stumble more or less stopped the shinobi in front of Naruto.

"Sakura and Neji woke me up."

"Ah yes. They were here a little while ago."

"Did they try to take you home?"

"Yes," and here he smiled, "but I'm still here!"

"Sakura's worried about your liver."

"I have no need for livers when I have the power of youth and the strength of a passioned fighter in my veins!" Que nice guy pose.

"Speaking of your veins, Neji says you might have alcohol poisoning."

"No. The night is young!"

"No, it's not."

"Yosh! Fight me and see what good my training is doing me!"

Naruto hadn't graduated top of his class, but he could clearly see he was getting nowhere. However, Jiraiya had a trick he used whenever he thought his student was getting too excited, or annoying, or holding him back from research, or wanted to know where his money was when the sennin came back from town…

Reaching up, Naruto shot chakra to his fingertips and touched Lee on the leg. The green-clad shinobi dropped to the bar like a sack of rocks.

It was too late to argue with drunks and he wasn't very good at arguing anyway, at least not when it required him to convince someone of anything relevant. So after dragging Lee home with him and not bothering to even lay him on the couch, Naruto promised himself that when he did get up the next day (which it technically was) he would hunt down Gai for ever telling Lee about the Drunken Master Technique.

He knew a perfect spot out in the middle of the woods. No one would find Gai's body for a long long time.

It was such sweet thoughts that put him back to sleep that night.

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A/N: Go Lee.


	31. Chapter 31

Title: Trivialties

A/N: To those of you wondering where I've been for the past week or so, it had a lot to do with school and a devil-woman professor whose lawn I am going to poison. Trust me, she has it coming. For those of you who are like, "Yeah... I really didn't even notice you were gone." then you can ignore this.

* * *

Sasuke smirked. He had finally found him. After all these years. After everything he had sacrificed, his friends, his home, his sanity…

There, looking bored with everything, sitting at an outside table of a teahouse, drinking from a cup and with a plate of dango in front of him was Itachi.

The man that haunted his dreams, the thing that went bump in the night.

He was finally going to kill him or die trying. One of them _would _be dead after this. No negotiations.

If he couldn't do it by now, he never would be able to.

Kisame wasn't around. Sasuke had seen to that.

A well placed ticket to the aquarium would keep Hoshigaki busy all day.

He kept watching Itachi. The man knew he was there, he was sure. He made no outward appearance of being aware of it, but Uchiha Itachi knew when he was being watched.

Sasuke was content to let him finish his tea and his dango. He'd be more likely to succumb to a side ache then.

Twenty minutes later when Sasuke was checking his watch, he decided that Itachi was a really slow eater.

The man was probably taking his own sweet time just to be annoying. He wouldn't put it past him. Itachi was a bastard like that.

He nearly growled when he saw a waitress come with another pot of tea and a plate of dango. She giggled at the elder Uchiha, who ignored her.

He leaned back against a tree and decided to wait it out.

Sasuke woke thirty minutes later, aware of another presence closing in on his location.

He leapt onto his feet, taking measures to conceal himself when the intruder spoke.

"It's been awhile, Sasuke."

Itachi had stopped in plain sight. Clearly he was sending the message that he did not see Sasuke as a threat.

Sasuke flipped down in front of him. He could send messages too.

Itachi watched him as he straightened from his landing and took a couple steps forward.

Standing in front of his older brother, Sasuke was taken aback by the widening of Itachi's eyes, before a decisive frown settled on the elder Uchiha's features.

"You've grown."

"Yes. I'm much stronger now as you'll see."

"No, I mean you've grown taller."

For the life of him, Sasuke could not figure out the dismay he heard in that voice, especially since he now _knew_ it wasn't a reference to his skills.

"That's what happens to teenage boys…" At this point, with the increased furrow of Itachi's brows, Sasuke was sure he was missing something vital.

"How tall are you?"

"That has nothing to do with…" The younger Uchiha was cut off.

"How. Tall. Are. You?" Each word was punctuated.

"It doesn't matter…"

"It does."

"Why?"

"Because you're taller than me."

"So? I came here to kill you. Now…"

"No."

"What?" Sasuke's eyes were rapidly spinning sharingans. He was getting mad.

"This is unacceptable," Itachi said, lifting his chin slightly to look at the top of his little brother's head.

Before Sasuke knew it, his brother was walking away from him, obviously angry, if the stiff set of his shoulders was anything to go by. He was too unsettled to go after him.

In a way, he felt like he had won something. It just wasn't anything he wanted.

* * *

A/N: I'm on livejournal now. It should be the home page link in my profile. There's really not much of anything there yet, but it'll probably be the coolest livejournal you've ever seen at some point in the future. I almost promise you. 


	32. Chapter 32

Title: Pop Quiz

A/N: Because face it, we all want to see this.

* * *

"Are you sure that was wise?" Kakashi asked, his one visible eye impossibly wide.

"How else would I test her practical applications?" Tsunade replied, sipping at her tea, "Oh stop it, Naruto. You can wipe that look off your face."

Naruto, in fact, couldn't wipe the look of horror off his face.

"Why would you do this, baa-chan? What kind of sick, twisted person-"

"Brat, shut up. For your own sake."

"TSUNADE!"

"Well, she's here," Kakashi noted, "and she's even forgotten her manners, I would have thought you'd train her better than that… Say, where'd Naruto go?"

Tsunade, for her part, ignored him and stepped outside of the little booth, waiting for the disturbed girl to make her way over.

"You… how could you- I'm going-" she never finished, instead charging her sensei with a brightly glowing fist.

The Godaime leapt out of the way nimbly, watching critically as Sakura swung a leg out to tap the ground and pivot direction.

If nothing else, Tsunade could see that her plan had worked rather well.

She waited slightly longer before dodging again, looking back to watch as her student's fist collided with the ground, earth exploding up and outwards and the ground cracking apart into loose dirt in a twenty foot radius.

Tsunade kept her eyes on her student, seeing the girl push herself up into a standing position and turn to glare at her. Spirit points awarded, if nothing else. Honestly, the Hokage had never seen her student this angry, but then again, that was the whole point.

"When they find your body, there won't be anyone in this world who'll be able to recognize it," Sakura said, voice deadly calm.

"Whatever, even if you meant that, you still wouldn't be capable."

Sakura said nothing and charged again, speed increased and nearly nicked her sensei, nearly, as the Hokage neatly sidestepped. Tsunade smirked, knowing that was about the extent of what the girl could do, and found herself rather pleased.

To show her student how happy she was with her progress, she spun as the girl was rushing past her placing a palm on her back and watching with some amusement as her body lurched forward. Sakura barely managed to turn her tumble into a flip before Tsunade was on her again, planting a fist in the girl's face as she was landing, racing ahead as her student was flown backwards to lace her fingers together and bring them down on Sakura's stomach as she shot past.

Sakura hit the ground with a hollow thump, struggling to catch the breath she had lost and managing to at least roll over and try to push herself onto shaky hands and knees. Tsunade placed her heeled shoe on her student's back, roughly forcing her back onto the ground, where the struggling ceased.

"And that's why I'm the Godaime."

Sakura mumbled something into the ground.

"I'll have to send Jiraiya a fruit basket or something for his help. I take it he's in the hospital by now?"

"Mef."

"Good. Well done."

* * *

A/N: I just love Tsunade.

You can all guess the nature of Jiraiya's 'help' I'm sure.


	33. Chapter 33

Title: Best Laid Plans

A/N: It's been a while. I've been busy. You see, I'm going to be leaving the country for a couple weeks and had to work ahead for school. So… I'll be around for most of next week, but after that, you probably won't hear from me again until after the 19th of November. I'm sure it feels like your lives are ending right now, since I'm almost positive my absence has that effect on people. Almost positive. Chin up boys and girls, at least I brought you a story… sort of.

The first few lines come directly from chapter 329.

* * *

"But the real goal of the Akatsuki lies elsewhere. For that goal, we need a huge amount of money."

Hidan twisted his lips in annoyance.

"Next to Tobi, I'm the newest member, so I've never heard anything from you about it! Sneaking around when I'm not there…"

"Are you pouting? Fu… fine, I'll tell you about it now."

The leader paused specifically for dramatic effect.

"We need large amounts of money to build a casino, so we can then acquire even more money."

"All we're after is more money?" Hidan asked, voice soured.

"At first, our plan is in stages. Money is only the first stage."

Honestly, there were many times when Hidan had thought that maybe joining the Akatsuki organization had been a mistake. He had a feeling that this was another one of those times.

"And the second stage is…?"

"The second stage is spending."

Actually, that was a fairly natural assumption that after gaining money you would at some point spend it. Hidan waited for the leader to reveal what they were going to spend their money on, but apparently he had decided he was done talking.

"So what are we going to be spending our money on?" Hidan asked, trying not to grit his teeth in frustration. It was harder to enunciate that way.

"We are going to buy our way into the baby food market."

This was the point where Hidan found himself lost.

"Baby food?"

"Exactly. We will add our mind control serum to the baby food and will control the generation that will inherit this world next!"

"Wait, man, step three is taking over the world?"

"Actually step three is developing the mind control serum."

"So our plans are to use a mind control serum that doesn't exist?" Hidan hoped the skepticism in his voice was as heavy as he intended.

"Well it hasn't been developed yet, but we're working very hard on that."

"But then… what are the jinchuuriki for then?"

"Well see… what were they for again? Kakuzu, you tell him, I can't remember."

Kakauzu shifted.

"You never told me."

"Does anyone remember what the jinchuuriki are for?" the leader asked. Those with the inclination to shrugged, but otherwise no one answered.

"So why are we bothering with removing their bijuu?" Hidan asked.

"I'm sure there was a reason, so we'll keep doing it. One of us is sure to remember sooner or later. If not we'll just come up with something."

"Dude, this is the biggest group of retards I've ever seen!" Hidan replied.

"You're entitled to your own opinion, Hidan, but I'm entitled to send you on crappy missions."

"Well I'm entitled to tell you to shut the f-"

"Hidan, _you_ shut up and focus on your part of the jutsu," Kakuzu interrupted, annoyed with the conversation.

-

Kakuzu watched the blonde Konoha nin run around excitedly and shouting much more loudly than any self-respecting shinobi, scratch that, any self-respecting person would be. Despite as far away as they were, he could still make out some of the words.

Hidan was sulking. The religious man wouldn't even look at their target.

"Stop it, already. At least you'll get to have a fun fight."

"I'm not interested."

If Kakuzu was the type, he'd try harder to pull Hidan out of the funk he had fallen into after learning the group's goals, but instead he didn't care other than the reason it was really annoying to have to deal with a grown man who insisted on acting like a three year old child.

"Well have fun explaining that to your god when he suddenly stops receiving your sacrifices," Kakuzu said as he got up and started walking away.

"Hey man, that's not freaking fair!" Hidan called after him.

Kakuzu didn't answer.

"I'm going to quit, you know. All you guys can just go to hell!" Hidan continued as he followed after his partner.

Kakuzu wondered how he'd be able to stand two annoying blondes in this next fight.

* * *

A/N: Hidan's hard for me to write, but apparently, he does sulk, so I used that. I totally wrote an entirely different drabble that I was going to post, but it pretty much really sucked and I realized I forgot how to write. This one is better. 


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